I like to keep my options open.
I've always known it was something of a problem - the inability to choose between chocolate and vanilla makes it uncomfortable to buy ice cream. But I never thought it was a major problem, because on the big things, I make decisions with confidence - I selected my college major and stuck with it, and I've never regretted that choice. Sure, there are plenty of decisions I've second-guessed - not least of which was the decision to get engaged - but there are also plenty of instances of real decisiveness, both spur-of-the-moment and excruciating considered.
In fact, I've sometimes considered keeping my options open a positive trait; for example, I buy the bus ticket that works on both the express AND the local bus, so that I have the flexibility to take whichever comes first. Keeping my options open makes life easier. Although I appreciate - and need! - planning, I understand that flexibility is often more important.
In marriage, however, flexibility is a distinct problem. I've already committed to a course of action, but I wish that my options were still open. Is that because I have trouble with commitment? Or is it that I think this wasn't the right option? It's the same question, over and over: is something wrong with me, or did I just make a mistake? And why can't anyone help me figure that out?
This has been a real shavuah she'chal bo tishah b'av for me: at work and at home, everything went absolutely as wrongly as it could. Deadlines missed, paperworked misfiled, numbers miscalculated. Discovery of cancelled transit service only after paying the fare, not having time to buy bus tickets. Having an emotional collapse, yelling at my husband, being spiteful and angry. It's been really rotten.
I don't know exactly what I did to deserve all this - this year and this week - but I know that I am fervently wishing for the return of prophecy; maybe I can finally get some clarity with Divine answers.
May this be our last tishah b'av spent in mourning.
