Vision

I am aware that I put too much weight on other people's opinions. I'm trying to get a better hold on what I want and use that as my sole decision-making criterion, but the habits of trusting the advice of those who should know better than me and of trying to win peer approval are strong. I don't know why I don't trust my own opinion more fully; I am confident of my knowledge and reasoning abilities, etc. I guess I always feel like I am missing a crucial piece of information, and I hope that someone else is able to see what I can't. Especially when other people have such a completely different view of something from my view - I feel like I must be missing something. It doesn't mean that I would change my opinion, but I want to at least know what I'm missing. Just in case I should change my opinion.

Obviously, one of the reasons I can't bring myself to take the step of getting divorced is the social censure I would incur. Over the yamim noraim, it was brought home to me clearly that there are lots of people who care deeply about every detail of my life. There's no way I could slip something like this by all those bystanders, and it would hurt them. But more - it would hurt me, because every time I would see anyone who knows me, I would see hurt and disappointment. I would have to go through the whole thing again, at least for a while, even if only to again justify in my own head why I did what I did.

But another reason I can't bring myself to get divorced and move on with my life is that my husband so clearly doesn't want to. What does he see that I don't? He is suffering just as much as I am, albiet in a different way. But this can't be easier on him than on me. And even though he keeps telling me recently that he's given up hope of things improving, he's still holding on. He told me he still loves me. No, I couldn't say "I love you, too". It would solve a lot of problems if I could.

I don't know what I want for the future. If I think about the afterlife, as I know I'm supposed to, then a frum house full of children seems the right way to go. The problem is that even knowing that, I still want to do all sorts of things that I know are bad for my soul. Is that just a salve for the pain, or have I really degraded spiritually to the point that I don't care? And do I care? But if I can't see a vision of my future, how can I make any decisions? Is my marriage a failure because I never dreamed of marriage - or even a wedding - as a little girl? Is the only way to make something happen to visualize it? That is so science fiction I might just believe it.

Under/Over

It's like riding a merry-go-round. That's the moshol someone gave me yesterday, and it works so perfectly. The horse goes up and down at regular intervals between a set high and low point. The horse travels on a path, but somehow always ends up back where it started. You feel like you're getting somewhere, but you're really just travelling the same path you've been on the whole time. I feel like that quite a bit.

I'm back to wondering if I should try the medication just for the sake of trying it. Happy pills can only be fun, right? I should take my opportunity to try some rabbinically approved recreational drug use.

Fast

I did go see a psychiatrist, who recommended therapy as far more important than medication, although she didn't rule out medication as something that might be helpful. To me, that pretty much means that I don't need medication: a psychiatrist almost by definition has to recommend medication, so the fact that she was pareve on it seems to me to mean that it's not really something she thinks is all that necessary. Of course, she might have simply been one of those good doctors who listens to a patient's concerns with treatment and tries to accommodate an irrational dislike of medication if it's possible to do so. I'll probably never know.

Anyhow, on her recommendation, I went to see yet another psychologist; this time, a non-frum person. While I don't doubt his qualifications as a therapist, it seemed to me I spent too much time explaining background that I take for granted, and that didn't seem like a good use of therapy time. It might be good for me to go to someone who knows nothing, because then I get to present my feelings and my viewpoints on frum society, but that won't help solve my problem. I don't think I'm psychopathic or antisocial or anything like that; I think I'm a functional person who doesn't quite like the mainstream frum requirements. Thus, it would take someone who understands the mainstream frum world and then can also understand my perspective on it to help me figure out where, why, and how I differ from the crowd. I'm a product of a system - one that failed me, but a successful system in general - and I don't have the koach any more to try to explain that system. Also, on my first visit, I mentioned that I have been down the therapy path a few times already and that for this to be worth anything to me, I need a solid game plan. After the agreed trial sessions, there was still no game plan; there was only the suggestion that a trained ear to provide feedback might be useful. And I agree that it probably would be, but frankly, I can't afford to pay for it. Therapy is costing me almost the equivalent of rent, and my money might be better spent by just renting a second apartment and moving out of the one I currently share. Of course, if I just get a divorce, I could have my own apartment without paying for two.

Rosh Hashana is a time for reflection and renewal. I don't think I did that great of a job davening this year, so I'm trying to make my Aseres Yimai Teshuva count for something. I'm not even sure what I can do that will be properly meaningful, but I'm going to try. There's all the regular "only Pas Yisroel" chumros that we take on for a week, but then there are the more personal things. I was going to take on davening shacharis at home (instead of on the train, which I started doing a couple of weeks ago, up from maybe davening brachos), but I already missed that one this morning. No TV at work? But is TV really worse than reading novels? And am I going to totally give up my novels for the week? Maybe. The no TV kick is already difficult, and it's only the first day. The morning of the first day. Or maybe I'm just hungry.

I can't help but think that my problem is just that I made a mistake, and all these expensive solutions are trying to find a way to deny reality. But then I think about the system that works for so many people, whereby you really can marry just about anyone, and provided you're both good people, you can grow into a workable marriage. Is it just that I didn't give it enough of a chance, so of course it's going to implode? But then what about bashert? If I could make it work with anyone, then why bother trying to find the "right" one?

I find that talking to my mother is generally more helpful than talking to a random shrink; she knows me well and understands how I got to where I am. Also, she has a lot of characteristics in common with me. It was her idea that got me thinking about my sexual inhibitions - she said that people who define themselves by their minds (which I do) often have trouble connecting to their physical sides. This makes sense to me - particularly to connect with both sides within the same relationship. I made my marital choice using my head; it makes sense that it is hard for me to be physically uninhibited within that relationship. I can see myself as a passionate person, even as a person who'd be willing to try all sorts of kinky physical things, but I don't think I could do those things and then wake up next to that person and be the responsible, intelligent adult. I want to be the intelligent adult more than I want to be loose and uninhibited, so I picked a person with whom I can share the mental side of myself - but even more - with whom I don't want to get physical. I don't want to share the other side of myself with him; I'm not attracted to him, and I don't think he would know how to give me pleasure. I don't really know how myself, and I've been female all my life, whereas he has no experience with women whatsoever. Also, I don't think he'd be at all comfortable with anything even slightly deviant from the norm, and I know (because we discussed it in previous incarnations of therapy) that he's incapable of taking a dominant role. And if I have to be the breadwinner, the balancer of the books, the housekeeper, the decision maker, and all those other things, how am I supposed to feel feminine ever if even in bed my husband takes the submissive role? Not that there are any roles in my bed, because that wouldn't be yeshivish.