It's like riding a merry-go-round. That's the moshol someone gave me yesterday, and it works so perfectly. The horse goes up and down at regular intervals between a set high and low point. The horse travels on a path, but somehow always ends up back where it started. You feel like you're getting somewhere, but you're really just travelling the same path you've been on the whole time. I feel like that quite a bit.
I'm back to wondering if I should try the medication just for the sake of trying it. Happy pills can only be fun, right? I should take my opportunity to try some rabbinically approved recreational drug use.
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the problem isn't you.
ReplyDeleteStop looking for a cop-out. Decide what you want and take it - whether it's him and a family, or not him. Drugs aren't going to change anything - nor is more therapy.
You're right, of course, C_A. I realize that drugs are not a solution. I know that even therapy is only useful in as much as it can help me figure out my own mind. I keep hoping that something will miraculously give me clarity; not very realistic. I know. It seems that my brand of sarcasm isn't all that clear to my readers.
ReplyDeleteWhat I want? Well, that's the whole problem. That's how the blog got its name. I live in two worlds, and I want both of them. I want independence, graduate degrees, to travel the world. And I want a husband with excellent midos who is a talmid chacham and wonderful children who will be my pride and joy. I want it all. It doesn't always seem very realistic, and yet, I persist in thinking that it can be done. It has been done before, and I know people who are doing it now, though at what personal cost, I have no idea. Most people who know me would say that I do have both worlds well in hand - I'm one of those who is doing it now. But I can't seem to find the balance that will work for me.
Or maybe I just married the wrong guy. See my problem?
Darn, wrote a long comment and it got deleted.
ReplyDeleteIn short, you can have both. The problem doesn't seem to be "him", or "you", it's the plural "you" that's problematic.
Maybe it's better to cut your losses "sooner rather than later"?
Very glad to continue the discussion in mre depth if it will help...
Before you try the happy pills make sure you know the side effects and consequences.
ReplyDeleteSome of the non-yeshivish ideas you had in your previous post might work better, as long as you can keep a level head about it, and I'm not so sure they're non-yeshivish. Some yeshiva guys might want to re-create certain raw emotions they experienced while going through the yeshiva system but in an intimate setting with a person who is sane and can keep things from getting out of hand.
in your previous post, you wrote "I might as well just rent another apartment." You meant it sarcastically, but it sounds like a trial separation, say for three months or so, might be a good idea at this point.
ReplyDelete(Since you've never had a history of depression before, I would reccommend a trial of separation before a trial of medication.
ReplyDeleteBTW Have you tried a trial of abstinence yet?)
Scratching my head: Why do you need medication if you don't feel love in a marriage?
ReplyDeleteSeems to me there just isn't chemistry between you, as good as it may look on the shidduch checklist.
ReplyDeleteI also think drugs are a really bad idea - unless it really is a clinical issue.
And I think abstinence might help you/him come to a decision - but it's not a solution - it might just hasten the coming though
I'm not sure therapy is the cure-all either. I do think you need to talk this out more - and while comments on the blog might be useful - you can't get to the core issues in "sound bites"
C_A
You need a new religion.
ReplyDeleteKidding.
"I want independence, graduate degrees, to travel the world. "
ReplyDeleteThese things might be possible with a modern orthodox guy... but many men in general seem to have problems being married to women who want these things (not me of course :))