The frum view of marriage isn't that marriage is an expression of love and commitment between two people. Marriage is simply and completely the start of a new family. Thus, marriage partners are selected based on their qualities for formation of a family rather than on their qualities as a mate for their partner. It is assumed that hormones will take care of the partner-vetting, and young singles in the yeshivish world are encouraged to think very logically when making their selection of who to date and marry. Sometimes, in fact, they are encouraged to force logic to overcome the hormonal or instinctive responses. Sure, you have fun being with him, but do you want him to be the one to raise your children? Do you want his values to shape your home? And of course, there's enough pressure on "older" singles (anyone over the age of 20) to drive some people into marriage simply not to be single anymore. I can't tell you how many people tell me they're getting married just because they can't stand dating any more. And that's on top of the people who threaten to get married for the same reason.
With family-building as the operative rationale for marriage, personal fulfillment fades to a far second. Of course, personal fulfillment is important for living life, but many experts have assured me that it's okay to find your fulfillment in other venues. The only reason to leave a marriage is to escape pain, not to reopen options for something better. Let's face it - how likely is it that you'll find something better? Once you're divorced, you're tainted goods, and your options the second time around are only other tainted goods. Of course, that might turn out to be a good thing - after all, no one is perfect, and these people's flaws are more visible than other people's. There's something to be said for knowing up front what you're getting.
For me, the issues come down to the same basics that have been there from the beginning: (1) My spouse is clearly not - and probably won't ever be - my best friend. His very presence is more often an annoyance than anything else, although I'm slowly adjusting by teaching myself to care less about his feelings. Wow; what a great foundation for a loving relationship! (2) His plan for his future is not what I want for my future. At least part of that is my shaken religious foundation due to my current situation. This was post-marriage news to me; before I got married, I was sincerely convinced that I did want a kollel-klei kodesh life. I still somewhere deep inside think it would be a good lifestyle, but I'm starting to feel like it conflicts with my plans for myself. (3) I don't like sex. Not with my husband, anyhow, and I have no way of knowing if it would be better with someone else. Even reading the X-rated stuff doesn't really turn me on. I just don't get it. I'm definitely starting to feel like there's something fundamentally wrong with me there.
So why aren't these cut-and-dried reasons to get a divorce? Well, I have no guarantee that I'd find a better match the second time around, and according to the family-building philosophy, my current spouse is ideal. Stellar midos, loves kids, happy to help with housework, doesn't want to interfere with my plans for my own personal development. I don't know that I'd find a guy with all these qualities whom I'd like better; in fact, it's unlikely: I have a feeling that the kind of guy I'd find more attractive would be less of a nice person. More confident, more ambitious, more strong-willed, more dominant. Probably not as a nice. Probably not as low maintenance. Probably less willing to put up with my dislike of sex, presuming the problem is me and not my partner. And the whole lifestyle/kollel issue - I have a feeling that it's not really worth focusing on; the issues are more personal and less ideological.
I'm going to leave this out on the blog for comment, but I've noticed that a lot of the commenting starts with the assumption that I'm anti-frum or anti-yeshivish. Granted, I'm somewhat bitter about the way my life is progressing, but I'm not off the derech just yet. If I was, I probably wouldn't be in this marriage anymore, would I? I wouldn't care. I'm glad to hear what you have to say, and I welcome your sharing your own stories, but please try to keep this from becoming frum-bashing. Thanks in advance.
