I'm losing hope of any chance for a positive resolution. Granted, I've been in this mindset before, and I've somehow bounded upwards, but I'm back to hopeless. Hopeless, and more guilt-ridden. This Shabbos I read in People Speak that semi-famous story about the wife who finally gave up on her dead-end, ne'er-do-well husband, after many years and five children. The husband remarried soon after, and he grew and flourished into a successful and confident man in his second marriage. To paraphase, she says something like, "The whole time I was married, I thought I was trapped by my husband's lack of potential. So how come he improved so greatly when he was free of me, and I didn't improve?" I'm terrified of that becoming me. And yet, I don't see how I can break the situation - I don't think I could be the second wife, under whose care and admiration the young man flourished. The key, according to that story, was that the first wife had high expectations that her husband could never seem to reach, and the second wife was constantly approving and loving and thought every tiny thing he did was amazing. "Did you see how he washed the car? And in only ten minutes? Isn't that amazing?" "Isn't it wonderful how he can row a boat?" I don't think I could say those things and mean them. I'd be feeling sarcastic about thirty seconds into that particular personality-change strategy. And yet I can see that that personality is far more conducive to marriage-building than my own. But I stand on my own two feet, and I think my husband has the potential - and therefore the duty - to do the same.
I'm going to see a psychiatrist this week, mostly because I told my husband's rav that I would do it. I don't really see how it can help the marriage, since I don't see how I can change my attitude to suddenly make me feel attracted to my husband or to suddenly respect him, but I suppose that if they're all right and I am some kind of psychotic, it's probably a good idea for me to find out, whether I stay married or not.
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1) some people are just not compatible
ReplyDelete2) Perhaps he learned from the errors of his first marriage.
3) Perhaps he got lucky.
ReplyDeleteOh look, I didn't see this blog in a while. I thought it was one of thse short-term blogs, but it looks like you're still writing.
ReplyDeleteIt loks like you're still living with some sort of self-destructive psychological state. I'll guess I'l have to read more of the posts to find ou more about it!
loks=looks
ReplyDeletewith=in
Yes, when your husband remarries, you will almost certainly experience extreme jealousy and self doubt. But you know what? If you've managed to build yourself a life (with or without a new partner) you'll get over it.
ReplyDelete(as far as the chaim walder story is concerned, i wouldn't take it too seriously. the wife is experiencing normal jealously, that's all, she'll get over it eventually and the husband's good behavior will preobably revert back to his normal self.)
ReplyDeletePLEASE DON'T GO TO THE PSYCHIATRIST.
ReplyDeleteAnd if you can't stand up for yourself on that issue, at least make sure not to go to anyone reccommended by your husband's Rav. Even a random name from the yellow pages would be a better bet.
Your husband and his Rav have a specific agenda, to make you play the wife that they want you to be.
Reminds me of all those OTD teens who are sent to psychiatrists and diagnosed bipolar when there is nothing wrong with them, they suffer from parental control disorder.