Two-Sided

Today I spoke strongly (I'll hesitate at "yelled") to my husband's Rosh Yeshiva, asking why I am the only one who is being asked to compromise and change. My husband seems to want to be married to me; "nichnas yayin, yatzah sod": drunk on Purim, he seemed more in love than ever. So why is it so hard for him to try to change to be someone I would want to be with? He's been telling me for a long time that there's nothing he can do - that his RY tells him there's nothing he can do - but I've maintained throughout that it takes two to make - or break - a relationship. It can't be all me. Maybe it's not proportionate responsibility, but there are two people involved.

So I spoke to the RY and I said that of course there's something my husband can do: he can take some steps to meet me in the middle. If he'd be willing to grow up and take on responsibility for a baby, why not do it now to try to save the marriage? I've said it many times, but I've also said that I don't want him to do it for me: I want him to want to do it. But now, I think he should do it whether he wants to or not. Grow up. Grow a pair. If you have goals, start doing something to achieve them. Take a course. Get a degree. If you're scared of college - and think about what that means; you're married to a college graduate who's very proud of that achievement - then try Torah U'Mesora or COPE or Touro or whatever. There are options. But do something. Take a stand. Be a man!

I don't want to let some doctors do procedures that may improve my technical abilities to have sex; I don't like letting people mess with things in my body without a darn good reason. But I'm considering it, because the possibility of the total ruin of my life as I know it is a pretty good reason to me. But if I'm giving that, I need to know that my husband's level of commitment is at least more than "I love you". I don't think he will lose anything by getting started on his preparations for "real life"; no matter how this ends, I think it's in his best interest to grow up and to have some accomplishment under his belt. And I need him to do something, even against his will. I need there to be two people involved in this. I shouldn't have married an adolescent, and I don't want to divorce one. I don't know if I can ever really respect or feel love for this person, but at least let's take a shot at making him into a man - an adult, a responsible human being, the person he could be in ten years who I could theoretically be married to ten years from now.