Today I spoke strongly (I'll hesitate at "yelled") to my husband's Rosh Yeshiva, asking why I am the only one who is being asked to compromise and change. My husband seems to want to be married to me; "nichnas yayin, yatzah sod": drunk on Purim, he seemed more in love than ever. So why is it so hard for him to try to change to be someone I would want to be with? He's been telling me for a long time that there's nothing he can do - that his RY tells him there's nothing he can do - but I've maintained throughout that it takes two to make - or break - a relationship. It can't be all me. Maybe it's not proportionate responsibility, but there are two people involved.
So I spoke to the RY and I said that of course there's something my husband can do: he can take some steps to meet me in the middle. If he'd be willing to grow up and take on responsibility for a baby, why not do it now to try to save the marriage? I've said it many times, but I've also said that I don't want him to do it for me: I want him to want to do it. But now, I think he should do it whether he wants to or not. Grow up. Grow a pair. If you have goals, start doing something to achieve them. Take a course. Get a degree. If you're scared of college - and think about what that means; you're married to a college graduate who's very proud of that achievement - then try Torah U'Mesora or COPE or Touro or whatever. There are options. But do something. Take a stand. Be a man!
I don't want to let some doctors do procedures that may improve my technical abilities to have sex; I don't like letting people mess with things in my body without a darn good reason. But I'm considering it, because the possibility of the total ruin of my life as I know it is a pretty good reason to me. But if I'm giving that, I need to know that my husband's level of commitment is at least more than "I love you". I don't think he will lose anything by getting started on his preparations for "real life"; no matter how this ends, I think it's in his best interest to grow up and to have some accomplishment under his belt. And I need him to do something, even against his will. I need there to be two people involved in this. I shouldn't have married an adolescent, and I don't want to divorce one. I don't know if I can ever really respect or feel love for this person, but at least let's take a shot at making him into a man - an adult, a responsible human being, the person he could be in ten years who I could theoretically be married to ten years from now.
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Sounds like a good plan. The Yeshiva world needs more of the selective admittance that secular education has. i.e. you can't continue as a full time student unless you pass an exam to show you've reached a level. If you don't pass you must go and make a living and study as an amateur.
ReplyDeleteWrong tree. You are who you are and he is who is is.
ReplyDeleteIf it was just a practical question, then yeah, I'd say he should at least attempt do what he promised in his ksuba. And you're a hundred percent right, it would be good for him too.
But it doesn't sound as if it's a practical question. You say the reason is so that you can respect him more.
Well to quote my dear friend, "People do change. But never as much, and not in the way that you would have wanted them too."
But you have me really really curious; what medical procedure do they want you to do??? This is my professional field but I don't know what you're talking about.
... PS in case my last post makes it seem otherwise, I'm really happy you're finally standing up for yourself! It is right for you to expect some mutuality, and not be polarized into the good husband bad wife roles!
ReplyDeleteI don't think anyone has ever acheived happiness by "having the other person change" (personality).
ReplyDeleteUNLESS there was a foundation to your relationship, and there are certain BAD charachter traits in that other person that hinder said relationship... then it may make sense.
But it is WRONG to want the other person to fundamentally change into something else... that they are not.
A person needs to be accepted for who they are. Especially in a marriage - that is the most essential ingredient. YOU want to be accepted for who you are. You should reciprocate.
If you are turned off by someone's basic personality - it is not fair to either one of you to stay in that relationship. BUT - you have to make sure that is the case.
And not something else.
From reading your blog all this time... I have enough doubt to think it IS something else. Perhaps a lack of total commitment... a feeling of "there's probably better out there for me"... and perhaps an exaggeration in your mind of "all your husbands faults"... as opposed to looking at him from a "positive angle, accepting him warts and all"... which is the primary ingredient of any happy marriage.
But that's just my opinion - based on reading your blog. YOU have the true answer, in your heart (and mind). You just have to dig deep to find out the unadulterated truth - and then deal with the consequences.
AnonyMS
On second reading - what "screams out" to me... is that you are having difficulty RESPECTING your husband because of what you perceive as him being a non-accomplished adult. Not having specific "goals" for life. (Hopefully you don't mean "YOUR" goals. But in general... no specific aim. It wouldn't be fair to impose "your specific image of goal-reaching" on him.)
ReplyDeleteAm I reading you correctly?
AnonyMS
Good luck getting the RY to change his mind. In my experience, rabbis and college don't mix. But I think it's a great idea to ask him to meet you "halfway" and see whether he's willing to compromise as well. Again, it's a hashkafic issue as well, which makes it even more iffy. Heck, I pretty much had to go off the d to go to college! To a huge chunk of ultra-O's, college is chazer treif.
ReplyDeleteI was once in a relationship where I was loved but could not love back. It's no good.
ReplyDeleteAnd the fact that his RY also wants to keep you in the couple is just a display of power.
In you place, I would get out as soon as possible.
"I don't think anyone has ever acheived happiness by "having the other person change" (personality).""
ReplyDeleteI think there is something wrong with a man who signed a ketubah having his wife going to work and providing for the family.
I think that a wife is entitled to a certain "material security"...
And if he can't provide it and does not forsee to do so anywhere in the future, this is grounds of divorce, in my opinion
(Based on the fact that in the ketubah he agrees to feed and clothe her and her children. She does not have to accept that it is from alms).