only am I not doing anything new or growth-oriented, I'm not even
keeping up on the interesting things I used to do. All my energies are
focused on solving an issue that doesn't really seem soluble.
Sex therapy has shifted focus to more normal couple's or relationship
therapy. While it's true that sex is probably not the cause of the
relationship problem, and so the therapist is probably right to shift
the focus, I think that sex is probably the biggest impediment to
being able to move the marriage forward or for us to hang in long
enough to fix the more fundamental problems. After all, every
relationship - every person - has problems, and familiarity can help.
We already know the things that annoy us about each other, and I can
handle most of them: I've been handling them for quite a while now.
But sex and intimacy - those are the things that I can't get over on
my own. Those are the things I need help with resolving. I don't need
to pay $200 an hour to be told about active listening or tolerance for
nail-biting.
Is the therapist right that it's not worth it to work on sex without
fixing the relationship? Is she right that learning to understand each
other better is more beneficial? Right now, I'm not convinced that
she's right, but wouldn't I be a fool to pay for her advice and then
to ignore it?
--
Sent from my mobile device
I'm a guy so I usually take the guy's point of view, but from what you've written so far, your problem doesn't sound like you aren't listening actively.
ReplyDeleteIt seems more like you don't like what you're hearing, because you're hearing the same cliches you've heard many times before that don't solve anything. Maybe there's a need for active listening in some part of the relationship, but it doesn't sound like it's the main problem.
And what's this tolerance for nail biting narishkeit? One of you is a nailbiter? I'll be blunt. It's a disgusting habit. It's inconsiderate and imo, shows a deeper problem with the person who does the nail biting.
As for the sex part, you haven't mentioned the particulars, so just speaking abstractly and on what you've written so far, it seems that the relationship needs to be worked out before the sex will get much better. The sex problem might simply be a function of the other problems you mentioned. (It also might be a function of the fact that (I'll say this delicately) the nerves on the surface of the male organ can be impaired by circumcision, and so some circumcised men have to pound away at the female sexual organ to be able to release, which can cause discomfort if the woman isn't lubricating sufficiently.)
If the relationship is good, then any problems with the way the genitals make contact with each other will be relatively minor unless there's a real physical problem.
everyone has different definitions of "issues" and different tolerance levels for such. (Know someone who would take nail-biting over smoking any time!)
ReplyDeleteBut I do think the relationship issue, if resolved to a point of respect, trust and liking for each other, and thus intimacy (letting go, letting the other in) - will DEFINITELY lead to resolving the "sex" issue.
Hope you're able to work through the issues... you're courageous for giving it your all - and bezrat Hashem your efforts will pay off at the end!
anonyMS
My heart goes out to you in your struggle for happiness. Your situation is even more complicated because of the frum culture you're in. I believe that although sex is very important in a relationship, it's more important to be able to enjoy each others company. If you don't have that connection, I don't think sex will save it. Just my opinion based on experience. I wish you well.
ReplyDeleteThe first thing you need to have in sex is desire. If you have it, you can iron out the technical problems, with maybe a little of short term therapy. If you don't have desire, you can't create it yesh me'ayin.
ReplyDeleteIf you've never experienced sexual desire, than you have a sexual problem regardless of whether this is the right relationship or not. you have a lot of work to do, but not in the area of communication techniques. More in the area of mind-body-emotion connectedness.
If you did have sexual desire before your marriage, but never towards the person you are married to, than this is the wrong relationship and nothing will help.
Either way, as I've told you many times, a few months period of abstinence will probably help you get clarity.
Ki"S
I'm not big on therapists, but I would have to agree with this one in this instance. All I have is my personal experience to go on, but I do know that my husband and I do not have the most functional sex life, but because we have such an open, great relationship, the sex is secondary and the bond remains strong. If anything, it helps our sex more than anything else can! I shudder to think what life would be like if we suffered in both areas. The relationship is fundamental to the sex life, and only then can everything else be worked on. My two cents.
ReplyDeleteKiS - what, pray tell, makes you keep assuming that I'm having any sex at all? Clearly, abstinence doesn't bring clarity - it certainly hasn't worked so far.
ReplyDeleteOK I stand corrected. Just that earlier in your blog you talked about it as if it was current. But I guess that was a while ago.
ReplyDeleteI can't read this blog anymore because you keep saying that your situation is intolerable yet you refuse to GET OUT. I devoted a post to you, Bilingual...I hope you have read it.
ReplyDeleteWell: as long as it is a given that no sexual relationships take place as long as you do not feel comfortable with it, it might be worthwhile to improve general relationships and work on the sexual one later, if need arises.
ReplyDeleteIf this precondition is not met, then I would not shift focus...
"I know I'm not attracted to my husband. At this point, my willingness to explore sex therapy is to find out whether I can get past that."
ReplyDeleteSo, now that you're not having sex, can you?
More to the point, do you want to?
Perhaps that's the same question.
(Note: I didn't say "SHOULD you want to?")
(Also note: a "NO, but" answer is the same as a "NO.")
KI"S
เว็บตรง ไม่ผ่านเอเย่น เชื่อถือได้ ปลอดได้ ไม่มีโกงต้องที่นี่ สล็อต ตอบโจทย์ความต้องการได้ดีอย่างมากทั้งเรื่องของการเงินการเดิมพันที่หลากหลาย เพื่อเป็นการยกฐานะการให้บริการให้ดีขึ้นไป
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ReplyDelete