Thoughts

I read Tova's post about my blog, and the sympathy in it is touching.
She picked up on a lot of truths about my life - and there's a whole
lot of pain and suffering in those truths. But there are other truths
in my life: I have a good job, a profession that can be a career, and
I'm really good at it. I get to do all sorts of fun things, like serve
as a subject matter expert and speak at conferences. Really stokes the
ego. I also have a wonderful, supportive family. I have dreams, and
every so often - even amid the misery that is eclipsing everything
else - I take baby steps toward my dreams. My life is not all bad, and
it's not hopeless. The reason I may seem hopeless here is because this
blog is where I let out my pain. I started this blog so that others
who fell into the "you're in your mid-20's; you must get married" trap
would have something to tell them they're not alone. I looked for that
when I first realized my marriage was a shambles, and I couldn't find
anything, so I decided to create it. That's what this is, above all
else. In large part, it exists so that people - like Tova, although
her situation isn't my primary target demographic - can know that it
could be worse.

I'm not a pushover, either. I'm still in this marriage for a lot of
reasons. Some of them are fear - of unknowns as well as social stigma
- but some, I like to think, are practicalities. Things like
technicalities of NY and NJ divorce law residency requirements, for
one. Also - sort of practical philosophy - would my life ultimately be
better if I got out? I'm not convinced that it would, and I'm not
ready yet for another blind leap of faith. Here's the problem, you
see: I still believe in Torah and its precepts. I still believe that
there is a higher purpose to my existence than a fulfilling career and
real estate ownership. And if Torah says that higher purpose is having
a family, well, I haven't ever heard any better ideas, so I'll hang on
to that rather than slipping into the oblivion of existentialism. I
have lots of issues with the frum system, and maybe I'll get around to
blogging some of my thoughts on that, but that was never the point of
this blog. This post is only for those of you asking "why hasn't she
thrown in the towel yet?" I haven't thrown in the towel because I
don't judge Judaism by Jews (that's for you, again, Tova), and I care
about my immortal soul more than I care about my pleasure or even
comfort in this world. I might not like everything that frum society
has become, but it represents the closest thing I can find to sharing
my own values.

I'll be okay if I get a divorce; I know that. I'm the one with the
skills and the income, and I can handle not having a husband to come
home to. And if anyone tries to drain me in a divorce settlement, the
kid gloves come right off. Negotiating with tough people is a large
part of my job description. The social stigma will bother me, but I'll
be okay there too, I think. I have enough friends from "fringe"
elements of frum society that I think it won't be held too much
against me. So I think I can be okay. But it's still not something I
want to do, for various reasons. I know some of you think that makes
me weak or indecisive, and you may even be right. But there are lots
of pieces playing in to my choices, and some of them have merit.

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