Wishy Washy

I can’t understand my own mind, so I guess it’s a good thing I have a shrink. Although I haven’t gotten the impression that she understands it either. And since I can’t afford two sets of private, not-covered-by-insurance therapy sessions, I may not have a shrink that much longer.

This foray into sex therapy has been an eye opener, and we haven’t even started anything remotely sexual. It’s just that the therapist has clearly dealt with issues that are at least similar to mine, and it seems to me that if this therapy can fix the technical problems, then there will be nothing left to blame for my unhappiness except for my own unwillingness to “make things work”. And since I’ve committed to this course of action, I’m going to go through with it, but I don’t really want to. I just want everything to work out happily ever after, but I don’t really want to live this life. I’m not really sure what I do want. I told this to the therapist during my individual session, and she was all, “Well, why am I going to put all this effort into reconciling you too if you’re not fully committed?” I was thinking of saying, “Because I’m paying you all this money”, but I didn’t. Instead, I brought up the point that if I’m willing to put in the effort, so should she be.

I am getting a bit scared of the sex therapy; I’m not sure I want to go through with this. I’m not sure I’m willing to do all these things, and not sure I want to do them with this partner. I’ve never quit or gone back on my word, but for all that I’m saying I’m committed to this course of action, it’s a bit like my whole marriage: I really want it to work out and solve my problems, but I’m not sure I can go through with it. I’m going to play things by ear: never give up until you’re sure you’re ready to give up, because once you threaten to pull out, things are never the same, even if you do make it work.