The first time I got flowers from a guy was when I was 14 or 15, working for the summer in an office. One of the guys in the office, who was probably in his mid-20's at the time, made no secret of the fact that he liked me. Or maybe he was just messing with me, since he knew I was a repressed, shy frum girl. But I'm pretty certain that it was a real crush. It was certainly flattering: my first experience with the power of womanhood. He left me notes, he changed my screensaver to running complimentary text, he came by to chat. He tried to touch me, even though he knew I was shomeres negiah. And on my last day that summer, he bought me a lovely bouquet. Like I said, it was flattering, and a bit intoxicating, but it was also a bit creepy for a guy about ten years older than me to be hitting on me, a teenager who had barely ever even talked to a boy. Yes, this guy was frum, so he knew exactly what he was doing.
I remember feeling at the time that I didn't want the first time I got flowers from a guy to be from someone who made me feel slightly dirty. I tried convincing myself that the flowers were from the office, but I know that wasn't true: they were from him. So that was my first "first time" in a male-female relationship.
My next first time - at least, the next one I can think of as a milestone - was my first date. I really had no idea what I was doing. I don't remember all that much; I tend to forget things like this unless there's something distinctly memorable. I remember that it was cold, much too cold for a walk in the park, and I remember lots of intellectual discussion. I also remember that he wasn't suave. I remember thinking that it was a good shidduch, but I don't remember why I said no. But I did. Anyhow, not all that memorable.
I don't remember my first date with my husband. I do remember the proposal, though: my extreme discomfort and acceptance of what felt inevitable. I remember the vort, and one of my work colleagues' comments upon seeing the pictures after all: she told me I looked shell-shocked. In hindsight, she was probably right.
I remember the wedding. I had a great time at my wedding; everything except the chuppah and yichud room was fun. I'm enough of a girly girl to enjoy gowns and photo shoots and dancing and everyone focused on me. And the food was good.
I remember the hotel after the wedding. I was a nervous wreck. I had no idea what I was doing, and no lust - or desire of any sort - to help overcome the nervousness. That was not fun, not at all. It was more of a business transaction than a wedding night: we have an obligation to consummate this marriage, so let's get it done. Way for a first time - the first time everyone thinks of when they talk about a girl's first time.
Are there any firsts left that haven't been contaminated?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I'm no psychoanalyst, but do you think the flower guy incident had a major impact on you, in retrospect?
ReplyDeleteYour first love.
ReplyDeleteHopefully your final one.
PS I agree with the first comment that your the experience with the flowers guy fits your bais yacov schoolgirl pattern of passivity regarding your relationship with men, of "accepting of the inevitable".
ReplyDeleteHad you been raised to be a bit more assertiveness, and YES, a bit more in touch with your sexuality, you would have told the guy in no uncertain terms to get lost.
Been there.
I am a very intellectual person and somehow got all these male/female notions wrong.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was 18, I was ashamed that I was still a vergin. But I could not read the subtle clues of male/female communication.
So I ended having my first time with a guy 20 years older than me, who was in love with me (but I was not with him). He insisted so much that I did not have any counter-argument, and since I thought I had to get rid of my maidenhood, I agreed.
It was appalling. And the sexual relationship with him never developed to be satisfying for me.
When I left him, he cried his eyes out.
Bi - Why did you say yes when your husband proposed to you?
ReplyDeleteOn the contrary - I believe that if you would NOT have been a frum bais yakov girl... you may have very easily succumbed to this "dirtbags" advances... Because a girl likes attention. And young girls fall so much more easily for that. And general society does not prepare one better for such encounters at a young age... (that's not to say that other frum girls didn't/wouldn't, but only that the barriers help.)
ReplyDeleteBut back to your question: YOU can create as many FIRSTS as you'd like. Uncontaminated firsts.
Maybe with this husband. Maybe with another.
That power, and that choice is yours though. Don't forget that.
AnonyMS
sorry, but bais yacov doesn't prepare you, except with the vaguest of hints, that such things even exist out there. (or in here- inside of you) and eight years of sweetness training make it difficult to say no. And make Not to mention deference to males. And if as a fourteen year old we are too or confused, there is No One, absolutely no adult, we can turn to. The Bais Yacov silence has made sure of that.
ReplyDeleteI can't speak of the secular world- I didn't grow up in it. So what? we're not talking about them. We're talking about us.
Sara,
ReplyDeleteIt WAS a side-topic...
Confusion and no one to turn to - I agree.
But deference to all MALES? Not in my Bais Yaacov circles. (Deference to Rabbi/Rav/Menahal/ Father yes. Not bothering big brother when he is learning, yes. Otherwise? NO!)
Tznius and separation of the sexes, was enough to make us aware, and KNOW and FEEL it as wrong.
Many of my friends, including self, were "hit" on by males, jewish and not. We loved to share stories, laugh about it (And secretly maybe even fantasize about it.) But we all knew that it was just that - to exist in the fantasy world - because it was clearly wrong to encourage such a relationship. (That's not to say that some my age did not succumb to such advances... but point is - that we ALL KNEW it was wrong. Dead wrong.)
I always think about how our "System" could be better... how we are brought up to be almost the opposite of what we are expected to turn into - come wedding night and beyond... and the repercussions that it has for some.
I definitely do not think everything is perfect in our system... But I have looked around, believe me I have... and don't see anything better out there. At all.
Though I'd love to hear others opinion...
AnonyMS
I will allow that the bais yacov community is large enough to allow for diversified variations in people's experiences
ReplyDeleteHowever, I strongly maintain that the system on the whole conditions females to behave deferentially towards males, though it may be not be internalized to the same extent by all.
Even your caveat partially supports this conclusions- Father, menahel, rabbi.... when almost every male one encounters is an authority figure, that has its effect.
When female authority figures defer to male authority's ("I'm not a posek, but....") when indeed the primary path to authority, scholarship, is restricted to males, that has its effect.
When males are allowed to teach females but not vice versa, when males are allowed to hire female secretaries or assistants but not vice versa, when a male principal can lead a girls school but not vice versa, that has an effect.
When males determine what space females may or may not be present or heard in, that has its effect. (Women stop singing when a male walks in to the room. Women leave the room when a group of males decide its time to daven- even in their own homes, say a shiva. Women wait for the "men" to arrive before eating on shabos, but immediately stop what they're doing to have the food prepared and ready to eat the minute they walk in. Men who tend to have no problem crossing the mechitza to talk to their wife, while a woman who crossed the mechitza to deliver a messageto her husband would be considered outrageous. The list goes on. In fact I would say this subtle, non verbal conditioning is the most insidious of all)
I still don't understand why you married someone you had no desire for. And why did you have sex on your wedding night if you weren't in the mood to? There is no halachic requirement to.
ReplyDelete