I don’t even know what to say anymore. It still seems so amazing how completely I have destroyed – my life? Myself? Both, I suppose. I’m a mess.
No one is saying the word divorce; it’s too taboo. Still, there are words like “end” and “final” and “resigned” and “last hope” being thrown around. The last hope, per the rosh yeshiva making the suggestion, is sex therapy. No one is all that confident that it would make a difference, although I think we all doubt for different reasons. I doubt the usefulness of sex therapy because there’s too much other baggage in the relationship. The rosh yeshiva doubts because he doesn’t think that the problem is really sex; he thinks we’re recreationally and ideologically incompatible. I can’t get a fix on what my husband thinks about it, because he says he’s already psyched himself up for the end of the relationship, and he doesn’t know if he can handle getting his hopes up again. Then he said that he’s concerned that even if we work things out now via therapy, he’s concerned that my fundamental inability to be happy would just destroy the marriage later. He also says he still loves me. I’m not sure what to make of that: he loves a girl who constantly rejects him physically and who he thinks is seriously flawed mentally and emotionally. If this was TV, I’d say that true love can’t be explained. But this isn’t TV, this is a yeshiva guy. I’m not buying true love or love at first sight. So maybe I am emotionally flawed. Or maybe I just don’t understand how someone could love me if I don’t love him; after all, we’ve got the same basis for love, pretty much. Except for the attraction thing, but that would make his feelings lust, not love. Does he even know the difference? I don’t think he allowed himself to feel lust before we got married, so how would he know what it feels like?
Anyhow, I’ve said I’m willing to try sex therapy, since by now I’m so traumatized about sex that I would probably need it no matter whether this marriage somehow miraculously works out or whether in the future I get remarried. And who knows if finally doing something together might not be the key that gets the relationship to work? It’s not like I want to get divorced, despite all this; the frum world is not a good place to be divorced. And who knows if I’ll get a second chance at having my own family. And even if I do, if I don’t know what I did wrong this time, how will I prevent myself from making the same mistake again?
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Oh you won't. The mistake you made was marrying someone "perfect" on paper. Perhaps the bigger mistake was the system that allowed two young people who didn't know each other to get married in the first place, (one of who is a very smart woman.) You are so so less naive now that you will NOT jump so quickly again.
ReplyDeleteIF you do indeed marry again it will be to a fellow who ALSO has his eyes fully open.
Perhaps a job out in the world so you can figure out exactly what you need and who you are will be the jump-start you need.
The frum world is about .001% of the world ya know. And there are 6 billion other ways to live a life. You can be divorced and quite happy as several of us have pointed out to you repeatedly over this last year or so. I know it is the best thing I ever did for myself.
Hugs and good luck to you.
Even if it comes to that, don't make the mistake of thinking that getting a divorce is the end of your life. In fact, it might very well be the beginning.
ReplyDeleteDon't be afraid.
ReplyDeleteAs far as I understand, you have a good job, you are able to sustain yourself, and your perfect husband is nothing but a weight on your leg.
How come this community can make you feel guilty? How come this community can make you feel a failure if the marriage ends in divorce?
How come this community can make you feel inferior?
How come this community can make you feel ashamed that the marriage does not work?
Something is terribly wrong there.
um, yuyu - where did Bi say that she's being made to feel inferior?
ReplyDeleteI think in every community in the world, jewish or not, there are certain things that make you feel a part of it... and certain things that make you feel less so... Divorce is just one of the latter.
Also, I sense the previous 3 commenters aren't really rooting for you... as much as saying "we did it, do it too!" Divorce your husband, divorce your community...
While I don't think divorcing your husband will be so terribly devestating to you... I think you can get over it, find your place, etc. But, I do think, and this is all assumptions based on what I've been reading so far... I do not think that a different situation will necessarily make you happier.
No relationship will be "perfect" - there will always be things you'll be "inccompatible" with someone - more exaggerated with a husband/opposite gender.
If you think you gave it ALL YOU'VE GOT (only you can truly know that) then before you move on, divorce, end it... do remind yourself that in the next situation - you WILL have to compromise too.
If at the end you'll decide to divorce. At least you'll be doing a chessed for your husband too. He too deserves a chance at love. And appreciation.
But it's sad. Any way you slice this.
I'm the positive commenter here always... and despite my comment above, I'm STILL hoping you can find a way to value the potential of the relationship you are currently in.
Best of luck!
AnonyMS
Good luck in whatever you choose. It looks like it is your choice to stay or to leave but you should make your choice soon in order not to prolong both of your misery.
ReplyDeleteDisagree, take as much time as you need so as not to regret it later on.
ReplyDeleteI've been following your blog for a looooong time and there is something that is really disturbing me.
ReplyDeleteYou sound like a wonderful, highly intelligent and smart young lady who was matched up with a guy who had a wonderful resume. I'm just wondering, what were you feeling for him while you were dating, to me it just sounds like a classic case of : 'you'll develop love for him after your get married' which in effect, in the frum world, unfortunately means - you'll develop attraction towards him after you marry.
I don't think you were ever attracted to him, hence the difficulty to get along with him not to mention have sex with him.
I am finding it increasingly difficult to read tha amount of time, money and effort that is being invested in therapy and counseling ( by Rabbi's too ), my dear young lady - you are not attracted to your husband. End of story!
BTW if you do decide to divorce ( and I hope you do, not because I'm divorced too, but because as long as you stay in this marriage you are putting yourself into an impossible situation). There is life after divorce!!!!
and no, I did not leave the frum world, on the contrary, I'm more careful about observing Mitzvos today as a result of the careful long recovery process.
Good Luck!!
It's fascinating to see the diverse responses. I'd like to hit the highlights of my reactions to your comments.
ReplyDeleteI'm not a totally sheltered BY girl. I work full time in an industry where I rarely meet a Jew, much less a frum one, so I'm perfectly aware that there are other options. I'm having a crisis right now, but ultimately I'm still frum because I believe it's the right way for me to live. Maybe not the easiest or the most fun way, but the right way. Some people survived the Holocaust with their faith intact; I can make it through a troubled marriage. I try to believe that every day.
Resolving the trouble in my marriage is another story. I can't just give up, because knowing me, if I ever discover that there was some external problem (medical, psychological, or other), I'll forever wonder if that was cause or effect and whether I could have saved this. I know divorce is not the end of everything, but it's still Plan B, behind Plan A by a long interval. If Plan A is impossible, I need to know that. Not be too frustrated to go on - to know that I tried and nothing worked. Yes, at some point I'll have used up all the reasonable options, but if I'm not convinced that point has come, I can't justify giving up. There's still a piece of me that hopes for that miracle of survival for Plan A. I don't need ecstasy; I'll settle for slightly better than pareve.
I know I'm not attracted to my husband. At this point, my willingness to explore sex therapy is to find out whether I can get past that. Yes, I'd rather be attracted to my husband, but the fact is that it's not physically necessary for me to feel attraction. I can have a marriage and children without that. It's not a good solution, but it's a possibility. And it's my choice which Plan B to live with: not enjoying sex, but having a solid partner to build my home, or taking a gamble on finding a better partner, knowing the stigma I will face. You may know which route was better for you, but I don't know that yet. You may think my choice and my priorities are wrong, and that's okay; you're not me.
That said, I do appreciate hearing your thoughts; they help this be a better sounding board. I started this blog because when I started looking for anonymous support for my problems, I couldn't find anything. I wanted to make sure that there would be something for the next person in my situation. I hope that person gets as much chizuk from your comments as I do.
Whatever you decide, there are a lot of people rooting for you.
ReplyDeleteIf your trying to "get past" the lack of attraction and try to have a good life and relationship without it, sex therapy is the wrong avenue for you. Sex therapy is about improving your sex life. Exactly the opposite goal!
ReplyDeleteBi - I think the question that Divorcee posed, "were you EVER (even if ever so slightly) attracted to your husband" (dating stage or any other time) is a key that may help you figure things out...
ReplyDeleteWHY? Because then there's definitely more hope, and something you may be able to build on.
"You may know which route was better for you, but I don't know that yet. You may think my choice and my priorities are wrong, and that's okay; you're not me."
ReplyDeleteYAY! love the sound of that. tell it to everyone. (including me).
KI"S
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