Surprises

This is all both harder and easier than I thought it would be. It's easier to be divorced than I thought: the social issues I was anticipating are pretty much non-issues, with some few exceptions. People are okay with this, or they're just ignoring it altogether. I'm doing pretty well at avoiding the subject, too, and pretending like life is just moving along without any major bumps. I'm definitely happier divorced than I was married: no more thinking about how wonderful it might be to put an end to everything. No more wondering if I should just try stepping in front of the train instead of onto it.

But it's harder too. I didn't think I'd be so emotional. I'm still crying every time I talk about it. I don't consciously feel sad, but the tears come anyway. Maybe it's a leftover autonomous reaction from all that therapy, or maybe it's a genuine emotion trying to express itself; I don't know. I'm not happy about it, though: it's making it harder for me to be matter-of-fact when talking about the whole thing, which makes me not talk about it, which makes it look like it bothers me more than I think it does. And yes, I know that it seems weird for something to bother me if I think it shouldn't, because being bothered ought to be in my head, but there is so much that is strange about this whole process that I've stopped keeping track.

The other thing, not so surprising but just as bothersome, is that I've been constantly changing my mind about things. Not about the divorce: I'm more and more pleased with that decision. But everything else: whether to sell all my furniture or just some, whether to buy an apartment or continue to rent, whether to get something large enough for a possible future roommate or small enough just for me, whether to go back to school or not, whether to go back to school in the same field as my current field or switch to something different. Yes, it's wonderful to have the world so open, but it's horrible not to be able to trust my decisions. I waver on all these things, making a decision and then completely changing my mind a week or a day later. It's not indecision - I'm intimately familiar with that particular state of mind - it's constantly changing priorities. Thus, I've decided not to make any big decisions or do anything new until after Rosh Hashana: give myself a little time to settle down.

Other than that, I'm doing great.