Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Surprises

This is all both harder and easier than I thought it would be. It's easier to be divorced than I thought: the social issues I was anticipating are pretty much non-issues, with some few exceptions. People are okay with this, or they're just ignoring it altogether. I'm doing pretty well at avoiding the subject, too, and pretending like life is just moving along without any major bumps. I'm definitely happier divorced than I was married: no more thinking about how wonderful it might be to put an end to everything. No more wondering if I should just try stepping in front of the train instead of onto it.

But it's harder too. I didn't think I'd be so emotional. I'm still crying every time I talk about it. I don't consciously feel sad, but the tears come anyway. Maybe it's a leftover autonomous reaction from all that therapy, or maybe it's a genuine emotion trying to express itself; I don't know. I'm not happy about it, though: it's making it harder for me to be matter-of-fact when talking about the whole thing, which makes me not talk about it, which makes it look like it bothers me more than I think it does. And yes, I know that it seems weird for something to bother me if I think it shouldn't, because being bothered ought to be in my head, but there is so much that is strange about this whole process that I've stopped keeping track.

The other thing, not so surprising but just as bothersome, is that I've been constantly changing my mind about things. Not about the divorce: I'm more and more pleased with that decision. But everything else: whether to sell all my furniture or just some, whether to buy an apartment or continue to rent, whether to get something large enough for a possible future roommate or small enough just for me, whether to go back to school or not, whether to go back to school in the same field as my current field or switch to something different. Yes, it's wonderful to have the world so open, but it's horrible not to be able to trust my decisions. I waver on all these things, making a decision and then completely changing my mind a week or a day later. It's not indecision - I'm intimately familiar with that particular state of mind - it's constantly changing priorities. Thus, I've decided not to make any big decisions or do anything new until after Rosh Hashana: give myself a little time to settle down.

Other than that, I'm doing great.

9 comments:

  1. I think you're doing incredibly well, from your description. And I think it's wise and mature to hold off on big decisions. I wish you lots of future success and happiness.

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  2. I wish you all the best.

    I understand this process that suddenly confronts you with so many decisions: You decide to change something, and then you say: well, if I change this, I might do it thourthly as well, so the array of possible solutions becomes so big that one gets confused.

    I think your decision to postpone important decisions untill the dust settled a bit is a very wise one...

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  3. Hey,

    Its good to hear from you!

    I've been thinking about you!!!!

    It sounds like you're acting very smartly.

    Hatzlacha My dear!

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  4. hi there,
    i have read most of your posts, though i have never commented yet. i appreciate your writin skill, but mostly i sympathize with your emotions. i can identify with some of them, and still i feel so strongly for you all along. i am happy for you that you are divorced, since it felt so wrong to you, and since you did try to make it work. and mostly because you feel better now.
    every decision comes with consequences, and it is understandable that you have difficulty now. and although i agree with the other wonderful commenters that you shouldnt make life-changing decisions in a time when you feel so unsure of what it will bring, i do highly encourage you to make as many decisions you possibly can. making a decision fills you with confidence, it gives you a sense of mastery, responsibility and individuality. even if the consequences may turn out not to be great, chances are you will be ok with those outcomes.
    as a person who has spent a long time in therapy trying to "figure out" why i have such a hard time making decisions. (and i have answers, mostly it is the invalidating environment who wasnt encouraging me to make my decisions even if they will not be perfect, always being told what to do, and not given space for my own opinion and individuality.) but the most important lesson i learnt was that "you need to jump into it, and make those decisions and see for yourself that you are ok, like now as you say, you are ok, of course there are consequences, but until you dont make one decision, you will be frozen in place, and if you make a decision, you will feel it, and then make another decision, and take it from there, and then you'll make another decision and you will become more and more experienced as making decisions.
    you might have lost trust in yourself because different people, rabbi's, family, bloggers, etc. have told you opposing opinions, but i have learnt that ones own opinion is the one most worthwhile listening to. your first instinct usually tells you what you really want.

    also, you have mentioned that unhappiness, that even though you had most of what you wanted, you were so unhappy. i can identify with that feeling very well. i could be surrounded by many friends and feel lonely. i could have many things to occupy mysef and yet feel so bored. i know for myself that i have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder(mild though) and my strongest symptom is feelings of emptiness, when i have a lot going. and also not having a sense of self, not knowing who i am and what i want. i work on my issues. but that sense of sadness and feeling misunderstood is something you should take seriously because you dont want to live life like that, there is soo much to enjoy and connections to experience. feelings are valid, your situation is understandable. trust yourself, you are in touch with your thoughts and feelings, and that is great.

    be well, feel good. much love.

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  5. Why don’t you ask the Rov that told you to get drunk what he thinks you should do? ;) (Joke)

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  6. Quick thumbs up on your divorce and on your not doing anything for a while. It is a good instinct you have. After anything huge you should just sit still for a few, and by huge I mean, divorce, birth, death, accident. That gives you a chance to firm up who you are now and then the decisions will be decisions that the "new" you has made. Instead of the "old" you merely acting just to act. It *is* hard to sit still in the discomfort until you get clear on your new direction but it is VERY worth doing. Best of everything to the "new" you!

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