Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Alone

There is something freeing about divorce. I still wish I wasn't in this place, but in some ways, it is a very comfortable place to be. It's full of awkward moments and uncomfortable discussions, but it means that I've already done pretty much the most socially unacceptable thing that I'm prepared to do. Yes, there are many worse behaviors than getting divorced - chillul Shabbos or having a one night stand would be exponentially worse for my reputation - but since those are generally also terrible stains on my soul, I'm not prepared to actually do those things. The worst ta'avah I'm likely to give in to is eating chalav stam, and frankly, since I don't technically belong to a household anymore, I can just change my minhag. Frappacino, here I come. If I ever get over the Jewish guilt about OU-D.

I'm definitely feeling better physically. Two years of stress is horrible on the body. I'm not doing so well mentally yet, but it's not the same type of mental stress as before. Now it's lawyers who don't call back except when they want money. It's dealing with insurance companies who won't pay claims. It's trying to get through a long list of painful and tedious tasks to tie up loose ends for a few years of my life. These are all short term stresses, though, and I am fully confident that I will get everything done.

Of course, once these short term stresses are cleared up, I'll have the old pre-marriage stresses of "you're frum, you're getting older, you need to be married" come crashing right back down. But this time, I can say I want my own apartment, I don't want to be right in the thick of societal pressures, I don't want to see and be seen. I can get away with a lot more, since I've been through a trauma and a stigmatizing event. The trauma explains my unwillingness to get back into the social scene and the meat market, and the stigma allows me to do other unconventional things. Living outside my parents' home is not as bad as being divorced. Watching TV is not as bad as being divorced. Going to Broadway shows is not as bad as being divorced. The examples abound, and it means I'm actually more free now to explore what life I am comfortable living than I ever was. Granted, there are still a whole host of things I want to do that I still won't do because of religious concern, but the vast world of merely socially unacceptable things has become so much more accessible to me.

14 comments:

  1. Yup, as we say in our language: 'Welcome to my World'.

    Time is the key

    Time to heal
    Time to seal
    Time to get real


    Take your time, take deep breaths, re-discover yourself. Learn what you enjoy doing and get moving.

    As I said previously, I'm here to give a comforting shoulder or in this case a pair of eyes and keyboard talents should you so desire.

    Greenie2010@gmail.com

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  2. It's great to see that you're feeling better. Embrace the freedom!

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  3. So haredim don't watch TV because it is socially unacceptable, not because it is actually a bad thing to do? I suppose a lot of people on the outside looking in would think that, but interesting to hear you say that. For myself it was also a struggle to not pay attention to what other people think about what I do but only to what I think is the right thing to do...

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  4. Keep exploring, learning and discovering: That's my advice to ya.

    Try not to succumb to the pressure of "the community", as they may or may not have your best interest in mind.

    Also, chalav stam is not a taava; it's a halachically permissible food category as explained by Rav Moshe. (Also, you haven't lived if you haven't had a Hershey Bar, Edy's ice cream, et cetera.)

    I'm glad you were given a divorce so easily; a lot of frum women aren't.

    This new experience may change your views of frumkeit in general; if it does, don't be afraid. Embrace knowledge and embrace truth.

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  5. Thanks, everyone. I'm taking the next few months for paperwork and breathing, and not really much else.

    I just want to address mOOm, since it's a good question. This is true for TV, but it can be extended in principle to a large category of gedarim and other *issurim* in the yeshivish world.

    The reason not to watch TV is that it's bad for you. This is a simple, straightforward reason. TV is bad because it allows your mind to deteriorate. It's also a really bad influence, even when it's supposedly G-rated (or whatever the TV equivalent of G is). The language, the obsession with sex, the portrayal of a whole host of inappropriate lifestyle choices as okay: these are all things that make TV bad. This is why, as a geder, a general ban on TV exists in the yeshivish community.

    That said, though, many believe (whether we're right or not) that they can be their own mashgichim. They believe they can select for themselves the TV shows that will not be detrimental to their spiritual wellbeing. They agree with the policy, but they feel that they know their own nekudos hab'chirah and what they can safely watch without adverse effects. (I'm not speaking of people who watch TV because they enjoy things that they know are bad for their souls; I'm talking about those who can rationalize that it's not bad for their souls.) Why, then, do those people not watch TV? Because it's socially unacceptable. They don't believe that the frum world in general can distinguish between people who are giving in to ta'avah and people who are being selective as their own mashgichim, and they don't want to be labelled incorrectly. So they toe the line to meet the dictates of the label they want to have applied to them.

    Does that make sense to you, mOOm?

    Oh, and on another note: a lot of people are more deterred by the fact that something is socially unacceptable than by the fact that it's wrong. Peer pressure is often a much stronger force than the distant idea of a reckoning before G-d after death.

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  6. "The reason not to watch TV is that it's bad for you."

    That's a subjective statement. Furthermore, the yeshivish world doesn't like internet usage...yet here you are.

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  7. I am glad to see you are doing good! I wish you lots of luck in finding your place in the world. :)

    In regards to the whole TV thing -back in the days when I was in Bais Yaakov, they wanted to know if you had a TV in your home, how many, where they were located, etc. etc. because it was bad bad baaad and they wanted to keep an extra careful watch over you. Today, it's the internet that is stressed upon as baad. Things change with time.

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  8. I am curious to know what things you want to do but won't, because of religious reasons. Very rarely is frumkeit truly the obstacle. As I've told you, when I was still frum I spend 5 weeks in rural Africa.

    Stigma? The stigma of divorce pretty much fades away with age, the older you are and still single, the less anyone notices or cares that you were once married. You're primary stigma is being single in the present. Not that that is so much easier to bear. Not that I expect you to stay single over the long term either, just putting it into perspective.

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  9. The language, the obsession with sex, the portrayal of a whole host of inappropriate lifestyle choices as okay.

    Even if you admit that crude language and sex aren't good for children and young adults, is it really a big deal for adults? And are "inappropriate lifestyle choices" really more than just code words for lifestyles and choices which are different from our own (and seen as threats to our way of life and legitimacy)?

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  10. BTW having a one night stand wouldn't affect your reputation at all- how would anyone know???

    Not that I think you should. I don't reccommend that at all. Just making a small correction.

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  11. Bi - you've sacrificed much in your quest for "real" living... don't let the new-found freedom morph into a slippery-slope of giving up a torah-true lifestyle.

    I think it's true, what one commenter said, that a frum lifestyle is NOT an obstacle to fully embracing life. I think that ANYTHING you REALLY want to do (that is not against halacha) is possible to do.

    But then again - WHAT it is that you WANT to do with your life - is the million dollar question.

    Because going to Broadway shows, watching all the TV you want, eating chalav stam, and all that kind of stuff... is just "side" stuff in life.

    Always wishing you the best.
    AnonyMS

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  12. congrats congrats congrats! A new chapter can begin now that that is behind you.

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  13. y8 เป็นผู้เผยแพร่เกมและก็ผู้พัฒนาเกม แพลตฟอร์ม Y8 เป็นโซเชียลเน็ตเวิร์กที่มีผู้เล่น 30 ล้านคนและก็กำลังเติบโต พีจี สล็อต ออนไลน์กับพวกเราได้ทุกที่ทุกๆเมื่อนิยมได้เงินจริง

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  14. slot xo สำหรับผู้ใดกันที่กำลังมองหาเว็บไซต์รวมสล็อต pgslot ที่ดีเยี่ยมที่สุดศูนย์รวมค่ายเกมชั้นหนึ่งก็เกม slotxo เยอะเอามาไว้ภายในเว็บไซต์แห่งนี้บริการระบบฝาก-ถอนแบบออโต้

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