Alone

There is something freeing about divorce. I still wish I wasn't in this place, but in some ways, it is a very comfortable place to be. It's full of awkward moments and uncomfortable discussions, but it means that I've already done pretty much the most socially unacceptable thing that I'm prepared to do. Yes, there are many worse behaviors than getting divorced - chillul Shabbos or having a one night stand would be exponentially worse for my reputation - but since those are generally also terrible stains on my soul, I'm not prepared to actually do those things. The worst ta'avah I'm likely to give in to is eating chalav stam, and frankly, since I don't technically belong to a household anymore, I can just change my minhag. Frappacino, here I come. If I ever get over the Jewish guilt about OU-D.

I'm definitely feeling better physically. Two years of stress is horrible on the body. I'm not doing so well mentally yet, but it's not the same type of mental stress as before. Now it's lawyers who don't call back except when they want money. It's dealing with insurance companies who won't pay claims. It's trying to get through a long list of painful and tedious tasks to tie up loose ends for a few years of my life. These are all short term stresses, though, and I am fully confident that I will get everything done.

Of course, once these short term stresses are cleared up, I'll have the old pre-marriage stresses of "you're frum, you're getting older, you need to be married" come crashing right back down. But this time, I can say I want my own apartment, I don't want to be right in the thick of societal pressures, I don't want to see and be seen. I can get away with a lot more, since I've been through a trauma and a stigmatizing event. The trauma explains my unwillingness to get back into the social scene and the meat market, and the stigma allows me to do other unconventional things. Living outside my parents' home is not as bad as being divorced. Watching TV is not as bad as being divorced. Going to Broadway shows is not as bad as being divorced. The examples abound, and it means I'm actually more free now to explore what life I am comfortable living than I ever was. Granted, there are still a whole host of things I want to do that I still won't do because of religious concern, but the vast world of merely socially unacceptable things has become so much more accessible to me.