I wonder sometimes if too much focus causes the problems it's meant to eliminate. Or at least exacerbates them. All this talk, therapy, analysis, thought - and what does it accomplish? Well, it makes me think about my problems, define them clearly, pinpoint my frustrations. I'm not sure how that's supposed to contribute to the experts' advice to "stop focusing on the negatives; focus on the positives." If you keep asking me what's bothering me and what's wrong with my life, I'm definitely going to be focusing on the negatives.
I'm nowhere near having all my problems magically disappear, but sometimes I feel like their importance is overplayed. Is it really so important to love your spouse, or is it enough to get along with him and learn to respect his better qualities? Is it really so important to enjoy sex, or is it enough to learn to go through the motions? Obviously, one shouldn't live one's whole life in limbo, but maybe it's okay for a while. I know my husband is a good guy and has the important qualities for a husband and father - is it really better for me to throw that away in the hopes of finding a person I'll like better? Is this about me, or about producing the next generation? What is the meaning of my life, anyway? Am I really better off in the long run if my spouse is a better sparring/debating/recreational partner? Do I care if our religious priorities are not quite the same if I know that his are probably better than mine?
It's not as if my issues in this marriage are the only frustrations in my life. My job has become unbelievably annoying. All the nice little details that made being severely underpaid worth it? Gone. My rapport with my boss? Fraying. My enjoyment of my coworkers? Everyone's fuse is shorter than it used to be. Maybe it's the increased workload, or the economic depression, or the much more frightening job market. Maybe it's the swine flu. The world is full of highly annoying and depressing facets that are just one more thing to absorb into life and deal with. Life moves on, no matter how much you wish it wasn't taking the direction that it's taking. Mostly, these things are out of your control, and you somehow figure out how to cope.
So why is it that I think my marriage is different? I am definitely willing to admit that it was hashgacha that got me to the chupah; there's really no other way to explain it. I can't think of any decided actions on my part that brought things to a head - the shidduch took on a life of its own. Getting engaged, married, moving to Lakewood - these are all just new challenges, like my new project at work and my boss's newly short temper. Sometimes I feel like I should just stop trying to solve my problems and get on with life.
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"Do I care if our religious priorities are not quite the same if I know that his are probably better than mine?"
ReplyDeleteI am curious as to what you define as his being better than yours? Do you have an inferiority complex? I hope not...and I really hope that he is not using religion as a method of shaming you/'putting you in your place'.
{signed}
Been there, done that.
here you go again, trying to address emotional issues as if they were math problems.
ReplyDeleteHow important is sex? love? common religious views? your work environment? There is no logical answer to any of these questions. Only your heart can tell you.
"I can't think of any decided actions on my part that brought things to a head - the shidduch took on a life of its own."
ReplyDeleteHave you ever decided anything of importance? Or have you let life just happen to you all along?
Perhaps I should ask: Have you ever had the oppportunity to make a decision before? When I was frum I didn't... they were all made for me... and I still find myself decision handicapped.
That doesn't mean hashem made all those things happen... that just means I didn't have a sense of my own agency in the world, and how to use it properly. And I still struggle with it.
Sometimes faith is easy. or at least easier than taking the reins in your hands.
In my book, the only thing you've really screwed up so far is -- moving to Lakewood! ;p
ReplyDeleteI think you answered your own questions, wisely:
ReplyDeleteIt's okay for a while... in the interim... while trying to reach the goal. (LOVING your spouse. ENJOYING sex. Etc.)
>>Is it really so important to love your spouse, or is it enough to get along with him and learn to respect his better qualities? Is it really so important to enjoy sex, or is it enough to learn to go through the motions? Obviously, one shouldn't live one's whole life in limbo, but maybe it's okay for a while.<<<
AnonyMS
Devils Advocate:
ReplyDelete"Obviously, one shouldn't live one's whole life in limbo" - why not?
You've just pointed out a whole lot of good reasons, and alternative ways to get fulfillment, so why not just go along with it, even if it isn't that exciting?
The alternative might just be living KiSarita's life.
Meaning what?
ReplyDeleteMeaning: you made the choices you did, and live with the consequences. Which you kindly share with the blog.
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog and have been reading through the posts. When I have more time, I would like to read each post more thoroughly. For now, I wanted to say that it is clear that your marriage is not right. You should get a divorce as soon as possible. Since it appears that you do not have children and have a good income, there is no reason to stay in a marriage which you dislike. If you had children, my advice might be different.
First of all, DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN. Please use birth control. Even chareidi Rabbis will permit the diaphram if you make your case well (e.g., emotional trouble). Second of all, you are entitled to happiness and you can have a loving relationship with a man you love( and have great sex). But it's not going to happen with this person. It's not a problem with him or you. There is just no chemistry and it's not going to appear out of nowhere. And yes, physical attraction is important for women.
Who am I to say all this? Well, I too got married very quickly before I got to know the person well enough. We kept trying to make the marriage work but ten years and two kids later, we are divorced. I am still traumatized, and my younger daughter is very traumatized.
I strongly believe in knowing the person at least one year before getting engaged. I myself would advocate living with the person if possible. And not having children for at least three years into the marriage. Many lives have been hurt because of my divorce. I am no longer Orthodox, so you may discount my opinion, but I strongly believe that the chareidi view of rushing into marriage is not the correct way to creating loving marriages. And I agree with you that the laws of Niddah objectify the woman as a sex object. That was a major issue in my failed marriage.
If you would like to discuss this more, feel free to email me at mushroomjew@earthlink.net
C_A I still don't know what you refer, but isn't that what all of us do? Make decisions and live with the consequences? Lying around passively and not deciding is a decision too.
ReplyDeleteKi"S
I strongly disagree that the laws of Niddah objectify the woman as a sex object... rather, it may "Highlight" the fact that a woman gives a man pleasure - AS DOES, or should, a man give pleasure to a woman.
ReplyDeleteTo the contrary, I find that it enhances my own relationship with my husband, and forces us to relate to each other in a non-sexual way too. It adds a dimension and depth to the relationship, aside from the sexual side (because you cannot, at times, have that sexual relationship ie; during Niddah...)
Great if it works for you. But that's probably because you like sex with your husband in the first place. If you didn't, you might be less enthusiastic about having a scheduled time that you are required to provide your services.
ReplyDelete'scuse me... but I don't consider it a "Scheduled time to provide services"... it is our special time to do things pleasurable for each other... because we developed that love and caring for each other.
ReplyDeleteIt is "within a certain framework"... granted. Which at times, when restricted/limited - is difficult, but certainly has advantages... both "spiritualizing" the sexual experience (bringing g-d into the picture does not detract, but actually enhances the experience IMHO), as well as aiding in developing our non-sexual relationship as well.
And FYI, sex wasn't always something I "liked"... although, truth be told, it was a goal I aimed for... and got to, thank g-d.
Anonymous_May 18: My husband would never use religion as a tool to shame me. He would never use anything as a tool to shame me; he's a better person than that. And his being a better person is definitely due to his religious priorities: he feels more like an Eved Hashem than I do, and he behaves accordingly. I don't think I'm as nice a person as he is, and I don't feel my role as Eved Hashem as tangibly, and I am more tempted by the lures of the outside world than he is. However, I still believe that an Eved Hashem is a good thing to be; I just have trouble with the reality of living my life that way. Hence, my feeling that his religious values are better than mine. Clear now?
ReplyDeleteKisarita - You're certainly right: impaired decision-making ability is a handicap. Anyone raised in a structured setting with strong guides is going to be slightly decision-handicapped, because so many choices are a given, not a decision. It's a problem I'm working on.
C_A - I appreciate the Devil's advocate perspective; it's pretty much how I'm thinking right now.
Anonymous_May25: How, pray tell, did you you get to that goal?