Current

There are so many posts composed in my head, but due to my insomnia (I blame everything on that; isn't it convenient?), I can never remember all the things I intended to write when I'm actually writing. Some more thoughts on fixing problems, then.

Today's web poll results in amNY (so yesterday's question): 60% of respondents say that sex therapy works. Fascinating, especially in light of the discussion in the comments on my last post. 60% is pretty high, right?

Anyhow. Fixing problems. The fix depends on the solution that you want, and that means it depends on priorities. And, as we've already established, right now I have lots of conflicting priorities. I want freedom; I want to explore myself; I want material gratification. I want to be happy. And at the same time, believing, as I do, in G-d and the afterlife, I want to do the right thing according to the creed I've been raised to believe. And I feel that there must be some way I can have it all, but I can't quite figure out how. I've always thought rumspringa was a fascinating idea; I wish it existed in Judaism. But of course - and I believe this - if this life is but a hallway to the next world, there is no time for experimenting with fleeting pleasures. We're supposed to use every minute to prepare for the "real" world. I know what it's like to prepare for a trip. Of course, there's only limited preparation required for most of the things I do in this world, so I have time to laze around on the couch reading a book. But I would almost always finish my preparations (or, at a minimum, calculate the necessary time to finish my preparations) before taking time for leisure. And we know that there is no limit to the preparations for the ultimate din v'cheshbon, so how can we take the time out to do frivilous things? I guess part of the problem is that I don't have a clear idea of olum habah, so it's hard to justify non-stop preparations, especially when they seem to conflict so totally with my happiness in this world, the only one I know.

This was all so much easier before I started having to think of physical pleasure as necessary. It's so much easier to reconcile mental enjoyment with spirituality. Physical pleasure is not just a necessity for physical pleasure; it's sort of necessary for me to fulfill a spiritual requirement. This is no way to start a family.

Filthy

I've been talking so much about money lately. This is too expensive / I can't afford that / I resent paying for x / Is y really worth it?

I never used to think about money so much. It's only money. I know, I know, everything that happens in the world is either about sex or money. But funnily enough, neither of those was ever my motivator till now. How the mighty have fallen. Now all I think about is sex and money. And while sex is definitely on my list of possible causes for my marital problems - my complete lack of lust can't be normal- I didn't want to write about sex today. Today is about filthy lucre.

I don't think money is the root of my marital problems, but I do think it's a clear symptom of what's wrong. I'm looking at every penny because I don't think what I'm doing is worth investing in. Not money, not energy, not my youth. But then again, as I remembered in the shower last night, I am living exactly the life I always wanted. So why am I so upset? And what makes me think that getting out will improve things? How could it, if I'm going to be moving down even in my own eyes?

I don't mind being fiscally independent. I don't mind paying bills. I recognize that life costs money. I know that I sometimes make expensive choices. Many of those choices are things I wouldn't change without a better reason than expense. My preferences for living in the city rather than the suburbs, for example. But many of them are "norms" that really should be reconsidered in light of other things. For example, I don't think it makes sense to eat meat five times a week. Actually, my objections are for health reasons, but people understand so much more quickly if I say, "I can't afford it". Same with turning out lights when you leave the room or go to sleep. I think it's wasteful, and I'm a bit of an environmentalist. But also - and more understandably to my audience - it costs money. And therapy? Frankly, I can't afford it. I'm doing it anyway, on the chance it'll help me not ruin my life - that is an investment worth making - but I'm not convinced it'll help. But that's not a good reason to resist therapy, so I tell my husband that I'm resisting because it's too expensive. Of course, that's not a good reason either, and we both know that, but whatever.

So I've become a tightwad, at least in my husband's eyes. And in my own, since I've started noticing how often I cite expense as a reason to do or not do something. Just one more unfortunate side effect of the whole situation. I really don't like being the person I'm becoming.