I've been talking so much about money lately. This is too expensive / I can't afford that / I resent paying for x / Is y really worth it?
I never used to think about money so much. It's only money. I know, I know, everything that happens in the world is either about sex or money. But funnily enough, neither of those was ever my motivator till now. How the mighty have fallen. Now all I think about is sex and money. And while sex is definitely on my list of possible causes for my marital problems - my complete lack of lust can't be normal- I didn't want to write about sex today. Today is about filthy lucre.
I don't think money is the root of my marital problems, but I do think it's a clear symptom of what's wrong. I'm looking at every penny because I don't think what I'm doing is worth investing in. Not money, not energy, not my youth. But then again, as I remembered in the shower last night, I am living exactly the life I always wanted. So why am I so upset? And what makes me think that getting out will improve things? How could it, if I'm going to be moving down even in my own eyes?
I don't mind being fiscally independent. I don't mind paying bills. I recognize that life costs money. I know that I sometimes make expensive choices. Many of those choices are things I wouldn't change without a better reason than expense. My preferences for living in the city rather than the suburbs, for example. But many of them are "norms" that really should be reconsidered in light of other things. For example, I don't think it makes sense to eat meat five times a week. Actually, my objections are for health reasons, but people understand so much more quickly if I say, "I can't afford it". Same with turning out lights when you leave the room or go to sleep. I think it's wasteful, and I'm a bit of an environmentalist. But also - and more understandably to my audience - it costs money. And therapy? Frankly, I can't afford it. I'm doing it anyway, on the chance it'll help me not ruin my life - that is an investment worth making - but I'm not convinced it'll help. But that's not a good reason to resist therapy, so I tell my husband that I'm resisting because it's too expensive. Of course, that's not a good reason either, and we both know that, but whatever.
So I've become a tightwad, at least in my husband's eyes. And in my own, since I've started noticing how often I cite expense as a reason to do or not do something. Just one more unfortunate side effect of the whole situation. I really don't like being the person I'm becoming.
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Honey, when you are the sole breadwinner, you have every right to be a "tightwad".
ReplyDeleteI've been reading your blog with great interest (and sorrow), and I have to say that you seem to be suppressing the inner beauty and knowledge that could blossom if you weren't trapped into such a nightmare of a marriage.
This is one of the reasons I oppose the shidduch dating system: It usually brings together two people who do not know each other well enough to create a stable, loving marriage.
Anyway, I am thinking of you and praying for you. As somebody (off-the-derech and also sometimes frum, too) who has struggled with Jewish views of sexuality and niddah/mikvah issues, I salute you for touching on these subjects.
I worry about you, though. Hubby seems to have no desire in helping you achieve fulfillment and happiness - if he did, he'd have gotten off his butt to go to work a long time ago. He'd also have tried to help you sexually instead of ignoring your difficulties and fears. Please GET OUT before things get even worse...
See my blog if you want to get in touch with me.
Tova Schreiber
"The Righteous Rasha"
I know this was not the point of the current post, but you have made mention of it several times in the past, and it's something I've been meaning to address.
ReplyDeleteAbout the sex thing:
When I got married, I felt the same way. I actually kinda still do, thinking and feeling that everyone else seems to feel stuff and why can't I. I am very happy and love my husband and thank G-d don't look at it as an impediment to our marriage, but there is still that part of me that wonders why I wasn't created "normal".
One thing that I have found that makes things better is that my husband is always telling me how beautiful and desirable I am and how much he loves me. He puts his words into actions in many ways. I don't know how he sees that, but that is irrelevant. What matters is that when I see how he feels about me, it makes me feel more like I want something to happen, and I actually feel a spark or two. So while I probably don't have the physical pleasure that other people experience, I still have the joy of being with my husband and knowing that someone treasures me. I don't know if this would help in your situation or if your husband working on acting similarly would change anything, but I just thought I'd throw that out there. It's spared me a lot of frustration.
Oh, and sometimes it pays to get checked out because I only found out after when I gave birth for the first time that my hymen had never completely broken, and that's why I was feeling so much discomfort and semi-unwillingness, etc. when we would have sex up until then. As I told my husband, never send a big man to do a little boy's job! :)
Have the two of you (the blog author and Anonymous 5:12) ever considered the possibility that you might be lesbians?
ReplyDeleteI never really considered it because I've been in plenty of situations where I could have gotten more intimate with other females, and I was never interested. That's besides for the fact that I don't think I could live with another woman! Living with myself is enough!! :)
ReplyDeleteI love my husband deeply, and when we were engaged, there was an excitement there, so I have to admit I was kind of surprised when things didn't pan out sexually. Things are always a bit better on mikvah night and the ensuing few days because I've gone long enough without having any contact to be able to feel the excitement again. What makes me happy is that my husband enjoys it, and he, in turn, tries to hard to make me feel something because one of his biggest dreams is to be able to pleasure me fully. Believe me, it's kinda emasculating to be married to a woman who doesn't seem to be touched by your skills!
They say that most problems between spouses stem from money and sex issues, but I don't find that to be the case in my life. Of course I would love to have a day when sex feels amazing, but until then, I appreciate so much more that I have a husband who cherishes me and will do anything for me and who always puts me before himself. That, to me, is the biggest turn on of all. And like I said in my previous post, sometimes there are just issues in that part of the body, like my hymen which hadn't broken completely until I gave birth.
Living in two languages, I'm sorry for hijacking your blog. I'm not trying to go on and on about how happy I am because I do feel a twinge of jealousy every once in a while when my husband seems to enjoy sex so much, and it's just pareve for me. But I would advise to a)get yourself checked out physically if you have not already, and b)find some way to communicate to your husband (or have someone else do so) that usually the key to making a woman feel warm towards you is to show your love for her in all your actions. If you honestly think he is incapable of that, then maybe there are some deep-rooted problems and this is not the path in life for you.
If you're interested in hearing how I was able to work hard at feeling some things in sex so you can try that yourself, feel free to ask me. But I would definitely say a HUGE key for a woman to *want* to be with her guy is for the guy to make himself desirable to her, which involves being helpful and loving in all aspects of life.
http://intimateartscenter.com/
ReplyDeletesorry, here's the direct link to sheri's site
Kisarita, have you had personal experience (or known others who had) with her? I am a bit of a skeptic about most things advertised so don't know about investing effort into something that looks like that. I would, however, be interested in hearing from someone it actually worked for (those raves on the webpage aside). I have a big issue with never wanting to lose control, so I don't know if that would impact the effect something like this would/could have on me....
ReplyDeleteI contacted her after attending a public lecture and reading some articles. I've only had one session but so far I was very impressed. I admit that's not much.
ReplyDeleteYou can probably find someone closer to home and with more experience with frum people if you prefer. A therapist in your community may even know someone. It's lots more common than you think.
ReplyDeleteor buy her book and see if it resonates with you at all... thats just a 20 dollar investment
ReplyDeleteAnd, of course, the topic turns to sex. Ah, well.
ReplyDeleteTova, of course I've thought about the possibility of being lesbian. (KiS - Love your response!) No, I don't think that's it. Not just wishful thinking, but it's not like I find women more attractive. I find plenty of men attractive; I just don't feel lust. Not with men, not with women. No desire for sex. Zero. Naddah. I think asexual is a lot more likely than lesbian. But I don't really believe that either; can anyone really be completely asexual? Besides, I do find men attractive in certain ways. And I even like being touched in certain ways. So I'm reasonably sure that it's the situation, not a general issue. Of course, that may be wishful thinking. I do sometimes wonder if I would have experienced this no matter whom I had married. And I'll never know.
Anonymous- I think you have something about not wanting to lose control. I have that issue too. But for me, it's more that I would love to be able to cede control, but I need to fully trust the person to whom I'm ceding control. And I don't know if I would ever trust anyone that much. So - maybe this is all more about control and trust than sexuality.
Well, i was just inspired to pay Sheri another visit... I'm back with a copy of the book and a set of exercises. And NO partner for now, with lots of moral support in staying that way for a while!
ReplyDeletePS Anon, one question you obviously don't have to answer, do you ever have a period of time in your marriage where you have negiah, but don't get all the way to the F- Word? a week or so of that might help.
ReplyDeleteI've always wondered whether the halachic practice of niddah (to differentiate from the biblically madated practice) reinforces the All-or-none masculine sexual mode to the detriment of a fair number of women.
Bi, sorry for ignoring you, but you didn't mention about your sex life in this post. So about money: I wonder if their is any connection between using money as an excuse for things you don't want to do and find unworthy, has it got you into the habit, and now you use it as an excuse for things you DO want to do but somehow still find unworthy, or involving some other intimidating challenges. I'm remembering the discussion we had about traveling. Just a thought, and possibly a projection, because I really fell into that rut.
PS the last post was mine, i just don't like it to be too obvious when i write about sex... afraid my mailbox will fill up with unwanted messages....
Ki"S
Bilingual, sorry- I didn't mean to make it all about sex. My main point was the general intimacy, which I've been meaning to make mention of from several posts back already, and the fact that it (or the desire for it) *can* increase greatly due to a spouse's willingness (and even eagerness) to do for the other. I refer to all aspects of life with this, not just sex.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about control and trust. I trust few people. My husband is one of them, yet the control part still comes into play. I'm one of those people who will never shout, cry, or otherwise "lose control". At least in front of other people. Needless to say, when it comes to my sex life, I tend to be very reserved because although I know it would make my husband feel like a million bucks, I would feel like a total idiot if I let go and showed some kind of major reaction. Do you also find that to be the case?
Also, I agree with what several other posters have told you- namely that maybe it is an issue of it all being money that YOU'VE earned. Years of living like that can wear down on a person and start making them feel more "miserly". I think it's critical to be live pragmatically, but I also think you should just state your real intentions, and who cares whether other people understand or agree? I think in general, it makes you stronger and feel better about yourself.
Ki"S- Yes, we do that plenty of times. Especially if we get something started and I start to lose interest, he will back off as soon as I say the word, or if I just say that I want to cuddle and play around tonight and that's it, etc. This is not something that I am always proud about, but when it comes to the bedroom, I get my way for everything. And I don't always like the F-word, as you say. I really don't know if your thought would be the case in many religious situations because I don't think that most people's lives are necessarily lived by the all or nothing rule. During the roughly 2 week period that relations are allowed, I'm sure most people aren't doing it every day. And if they are, then I would agree that that might be to the detriment of many women. Although lots may enjoy sex more than I do, I think it would be fair to say that most also want the more romantic side and not just think they're there for the sex. That's why my husband always gives me "the chills" after sex. :)
I saw about those exercises on her website. It sounds like it works for you, but I have never once been able to get satisfaction from doing something by myself (only referring to the sexual arena, of course), which is why I never bothered trying. For me, it's not worth anything unless it's shared, so I would look into things that we could do together. My husband says that he would love for me to do whatever it takes personally, even if it means more pleasure than when I am with him. But that will never happen because that, at least, is one experience that I want to share. What she has to offer does sound very interesting, and so does the fact that we could talk to her together via phone. Do you have any idea of what she charges?
Sorry- a long comment once again!
the first exercise, is mental. you can't just jump in and go start touching yourself and expect anything; you're not a man.
ReplyDeleteBTW, for most women the hymen never completely breaks. So I'm not sure what you mean about yours.
ReplyDelete