Optimism

There is at least something humorous in realizing that optimism is still the basic human condition. You can read a blog for almost a year, a blog full of despair and regret and confusion, and at the first sign of light, you can be full of I-told-you-so's and I-knew-it-would-work-out's. It seems everyone does want Hollywood to be right. Everyone thinks that real life can and should be happily ever after.

It's not, you know. I can make breakthroughs (whether or not I really have is a separate issue), and that still doesn't suddenly make things more likely to work out well. In the course of having issues, I have created issues. Solving one set doesn't work like a magic wand, magically making everything better. Let's say that my issues with sex with my husband are that I was traumatized by my first experience and the normal, but severe, pain of a first time. Let's say I come to terms with that and I'm willing to work through that. Does that erase many months of making issues about intimacy? For that matter, does that erase the issues with intimacy that have arisen as a result of saying no to intimacy for so long? It doesn't. The issues with intimacy are in addition to the issues with sex, however they were first created. And also - my willingness to experiment with my own discomfort does not suddenly make my husband feel more kindly toward my many months of withholding. And of course, the fact remains that the willingness is transitory, and that the days when I'm willing are not necessarily going to coincide with the days when sex will work out. Maybe it's during niddah. Maybe my husband's out that night. So it's entirely possible that he'll never find out that I have been at times more willing to try something new.

History never goes away, and it's not always possible to change the future. Sorry to be a downer, but such is life.

Breaking Dawn

Either my current therapist is better than all her predecessors or
I've finally reached the breakthrough point in my maturing process,
but for the first time, I feel like I'm making some progress that may
stick. Progress in being more honest with myself, which isn't the same
as progress in my marriage, but I'll take what I can get. The one
constant through all the epiphanies and self-discovery is that I can't
seem to hold on to a solid enjoyment of my husband's company, but I'm
doing better on appreciating his good qualities, and I think I'm even
doing better on applying consistent standards. I'm trying really hard
to make sure that I think rationally about the things that annoy me
before reacting. It's tough, but I think I may even be making progress
there. I'm definitely doing better at getting over my bad moods when
they're precipitated by something disproportionate. So all of this is
really good in that I'm growing up. I seem to have finally caught up
with the fact that I'm not a teenager anymore, even if I do still
enjoy the occasional teen pop book. But on my latest business trip, I
discovered that I no longer find the Disney Channel tempting. This has
to be a positive step. And my latest TV crush is a guy in his early
30's, which is certainly age-appropriate. At least my problem can't be
immaturity anymore. If it ever was. I always thought the problem was
that I was too set in my ways and not flexible enough, but I guess
that's not really the same as maturity. More just a factor of time.
The other thing that's changed a bit recently is that I've stopped
refusing to enjoy myself. I've been afraid to invest too much of
myself in new relationships, particularly with members of my extended
in-law family, in case things go south. More southward than they are
already. But it turns out that these are really fun people, and they
live more in the moment, and it's just fun to hang out with them and
loosen up. And I've always enjoyed being around people more on the
wild side, so I can be less uptight than my normal self without
feeling like I'm compromising my dignity. People who are willing to
make fools of themselves - or don't realize that they're doing so -
are just fun to be around. Of course, enjoying my in-law family is
only going to make a decision to split up harder, but I have to stop
letting things like that prevent me from living now. Maybe if I could
live more in the now, the future would start to look up.
So the moral of the story is that things could be worse. I could have
a vampire out for my blood. Yum.

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