One of the things I'm struggling with is the balance between security and freedom. There are things that I'm reasonably sure of: that I want a family, that I want to belong to something greater than myself, that I don't want to grow old alone. I want that traditional nuclear family, a husband and children. Yes, I know there are aspects of that dream that are hard for me to adjust to, but I want the security of knowing that there are some people out there who will be there for me when I need them. And that there are people for whom I am responsible, who will call on me when they need something. This isn't a purely selfish "who will take care of me" wish - for right now, at least, I am capable of taking care of myself - it is the desire to belong to something bigger. I want to be a part of life, of other people's lives. I don't want to spend my whole life as a bystander watching other people's lives; I want to be involved. While I'm already part of a nuclear family - the one I was born into - that family is going to outgrow me; it already has started. My siblings have gone off and started their own families, and my parents will want to move on to the next phase of their lives. And recently, with the loss of certain family members, I'm faced with the mortality of people I love. So reasonable security that I will have a family means children. And I wouldn't want to raise children in a broken home, or to break up their home even once they're raised. I can see why it can be necessary, but it's certainly not Plan A. Also, it would destroy some of the security, since breaking a home means splitting the priorities of the people in it.
On the other hand, I'm a bright, energetic (at least I was), fun, successful young woman in my twenties, and I want to play the field. I want to keep my options open. I want to explore. I want freedom. Unfortunately, that's not such a great thing in a marriage, especially a marriage that I want to be secure. A marriage is a commitment, and exploring makes commitment hard.
There are two things that I can see that could tip the balance. One is desperation. Perhaps that's unfair; what I mean is that the desire for security can overwhelm everything else if a person is suddenly (or not-so-suddenly) faced with issues that they can't handle on their own. This could be as simple as getting rid of all the sweet, well-meaning old aunties who keep saying, "Nebach, couldn't you find anyone willing to marry you?" - you can't do that without getting married, and that requires a partner. Or it could be lack of health insurance. Or it could be loneliness. It could be just the realization that this is the best it's ever going to get for you. It could range anywhere from seemingly idiotic to obviously tragic; as long as it's important to you and you can't deal with it alone, you can value security to the exclusion of all other considerations. There are plenty of people who marry for company or for money or for all sorts of "practical" reasons. And there's nothing wrong with that, provided that you go in with your eyes open.
The second thing that could tip the balance is contentment. You can be ready to give up your freedom because you're happy with what you have. You don't feel the need to keep exploring. I was at that point with religion prior to my marriage: I was frum not because I was ignorant of other options but because I was happy with my beliefs. I believed what I believed, and I didn't feel the need to explore. I was proud of who I was and where I came from. I still am, which is why I can't just throw out everything and think that'll fix my life. But I don't have that same contentment with my marriage: I don't feel that I have what I want and I want what I have. I want to explore; I want to see if there is something better out there for me. I'm not convinced that there is, so I'm still shaky on giving up the security of what is, but there's a(n ir)rational side of me that says this can't be the best life I can look forward to. There has to be a way to be happy, to willingly set aside the freedom, instead of just doing my duty.
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There has to be, but there isn't.
ReplyDeleteAt least not now and not for you.
expansion of my last post-
ReplyDelete... because it aint "willing" when chosen out out of fear.
The corollary is that if you lost the fear of the other option, you could make a freer choice.
(Not that it would guarantee happiness- there are no guarantees, ever.)
Frankly, I think you are trying to "discover" your "true self" - a little too late, AND a little too early... meaning: knowing yourself basically... and which direction you want to take in life - should be something that already happened before you get engaged/married. Having said that... "discovering your true self" is a life-long process, that cannot be shortcutted.
ReplyDeleteYou gotta LIVE life... with all its ups and downs, challenges and treats... as they come your way. The choices you make along the way - define "your true self".
It is FUTILE, in my opinion, to over-analyze life like that - like you've been doing. (Although I do understand that this blog is a place for you to analyze the difficulties you've been going through...) Still, it is very obvious that a bit part of the "situation" you find yourself in was created by yourself. The same self that is telling you all the negative things about your marriage/husband/satisfaction/financials is the same self that can tell yourself to snap out of it and start "living life" without that paralyzing fear of "could I have it better...IF ONLY".
Free yourself of that... and you'll be surprised at all the good turns most of your current "issues" will take.
IN any case, I feel for you... and the lost feeling that is easy to perceive from your postings.
AnonyMS
MS... you don't think she's doing so much better? I do
ReplyDeletePersonally - I think B's going to do better as soon as she takes a stand. Either way - in or out.
ReplyDeleteAlthough from my vantage point B has so much more to gain from staying in. But only with "eyes" (AND heart) wide open... and closing that chapter of "What iff-ing"...
AnonyMS
MS:" The same self that is telling you all the negative things about your marriage/husband/satisfaction/financials is the same self that can tell yourself to snap out of it and start "living life" "
ReplyDeleteYou’re actually insinuating that thinking about one’s situation - introspection or a brand of hisbonnenes - is a problem -- and you advocate in its place the great shpeil of cognitive dissonance. I am familiar with the philosophy that living life passively and “talking yourself into happiness“ is all it takes. This approach makes for a handy tool in a society that puts a formulaic status quo above emotional needs. Maybe it works in some way for those unable to grapple with the difficulty of choice in life and all the insurmountable questions that come with the territory. In the long run it’s an awfully inefficient approach because the problem remains unaddressed-- while the positive self talk gets a little old. The whole thinking that you can control your feelings entirely independent of the contextual situation is so ridiculous. I actually had experience in frum therapy that went by that thinking.
We have to address our problems, not our human responses to them.
The problem is ADDRESSED when there's a HUMAN RESPONSE - namely - a decision is MADE.
ReplyDeleteNot what-if'd to death...
I wish only the best to Bi! May Hashem grant you the wisdom... and guide you in the right direction (though we know it's your call first... "b'derech sheadam rotzeh lelech...")
AnonyMS