I know that I've had commitment issues since Day 1, but they haven't stayed the same throughout this journey that we call my marriage. At first, the only commitment I had trouble with was the emotional bond with my husband. Admittedly, significant - but not unworkable. I knew that I wasn't fully committed before I got married; in fact, various rabbis and advisors knew this, too, and didn't seem to think that this was a serious problem. "It'll come later." Major issue, but supposedly common enough and not a serious impediment to relationship building.
That doubt didn't go away, and the situation, as you know, didn't get better. It got worse. The doubt began to creep into everything: my religious conviction (How could everything go so wrong if it was all done with such good intentions and proper guidance?), my belief in the institution of marriage, my suitability for a long-term relationship, my purpose in life. It's quite fascinating, if you're a sociologist or something. Less fun if it's your life, and you've started thinking about trains and anti-depressants.
Anyhow, just very recently, it hit me again. (I was going to leave off the "again", but I'm discovering that many of the thoughts that I think are new are actually old; it's just that I don't remember things well anymore. Probably due to stress and an inability to focus.) I keep saying that I am prepared to do whatever it takes to solve this, but what solution am I aiming for? I'm not convinced that being married to my husband is the best route for me; I'm just too scared of being divorced. Also, if I want a divorce, there's no "work to be done". It's a decision - ask for a get - and then it's over. I guess I can't quite resign myself to quitting, even though I want to be out of this. And of course, there's still the social and religious conscience that says to me that I should try to save my marriage if I can. And there's also the fact that I don't want to be a failure. Similar to the "I'm not a quitter" thing.
We've started with yet another counselor, and he's advising similar things to what the first (or second; I've lost track) one did. At the time, with him talking, I was all, "Yes, I'll do whatever it takes", and I meant it. But then I got home, and I felt like - haven't we already been down this road? And last time, it didn't make things "marginally better", which I believe is the goal; it made things worse. Also, it's a very hard thing that they're asking of me, and maybe I'm too lazy for it. Or maybe I just resent that it is, once again, me who's being asked to do something very difficult for me, while my husband gets to "hang in there". He doesn't have to do anything; in fact, what I'm supposed to be doing is exactly what he wants me to be doing, even though I don't want to do it. So even though I felt like the new counselor did understand the situation, I can't help feeling that it's unfair to me to make all these demands of me. But then, all men think a certain way; I guess it's hard-wired. Maybe I should get another female counselor, but I really disliked the last one. Or maybe they're just right, and I'm resisting because I don't like being wrong. Or because it's just hard, and I'm lazy.
Is it fair to me to destroy my self-esteem in the name of saving a marriage that I don't even believe in?
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Welcome Back, I thought we'd lost you. No news is usually good news, but in your case it seems not.
ReplyDeleteA short point to ponder, you said: "I keep saying that I am prepared to do whatever it takes to solve this, but what solution am I aiming for? "
It seems to me that in a sense you're looking for a solution. Then everything will be fairy tale good. It doesn't work that way.
Maybe you need to realise marriage is not a destination but a journey (please excuse the hackneyed cliche). It has its ups and its downs, etc. If it's the journey you want to be on, then work at it. If it's the wrong path for you, then only you can decide. Perhaps part of the difficulty is you've always had someone to guide you and point out the correct decision (e.g. say halachically). At this point though, you're on your own! And I empathise, I know just how tough it is to suddenly find yourself "alone"
Not dispel your hope. You won't find a solution. You mind find an accommodation, and peace of mind to continue on the path ... or otherwise.
just leave him.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you've made up your mind.
ReplyDeleteI can imagine that "sex life" needs time to develop. But if you find him repugnant, if you just wait for the times where you do not have to do it, I suppose it just does not match.
ReplyDeleteAnd I do not suppose that it will get better over time, especially if he does not make great efforts to accomodate you, and you are the only one who has to make efforts.
What will be after? Good question... It sure is not so easy to remarry after divorce...
But perhaps you will find an independent position...
that therapist sounds like a dud. you are so right- blogging IS a better deal than therapy.
ReplyDeleteps do you mind saying what this very hard thing is their asking of you?
ReplyDeletekisarita
I agree with the first comment - it might help to keep in mind that a good marriage is not a "destination" but rather a "journey". Bumps in the road, flowers on the side, thorns down the path, beautiful scenery, getting lost on the way..... and ultimately "a wonderful trip, all in all".
ReplyDeleteIt seems to me you're too much "into analyzing things"... and not just "letting go" enough to perhaps, be able to enjoy - if only tiny little positive things.
Maybe try a little project of focusing ONLY on positive things for a short while(in yourself, in your husband, in your life) for a day, a week (or an hour to start!).
It might just snowball into something bigger... and more permanent.
On another note: Have you checked yourself out to see if this might not be clinical depression that's pulling you down?
Be aware: One of the WORST side effects of birth-control pills is dark moods/depression.
It says so on the insert.
It DID IT TO ME.
For a short while that I had to medically be on the Pill - my life turned DARK - from one day to the next. Couldn't stand the sight, smell, thought, sound of my husband, thoughts of death occupied my mind constantly... and this, from a generally upbeat positive person. I remember sitting on my bed trying to force my face into a smile - even my mouth wouldn't cooperate.
When I complained to my doctor about rapid weight gain that I thought the pill was causing, he just dismissed it (TOO BAD, you must be on it.)
When I mentioned that I've been feeling very pulled down lately, dark, moody - maybe even slightly depressed - he told me to stop taking it IMMEDIATELY. (We used an alternative.)
Within 2 days - I was back to my natural self. It was as if a dark shade was lifted from my eyes/life.
Obviously - I don't know if this is at all relevant - but I thought I'd throw it out there in case it is.
You asked,
ReplyDelete"Is it fair to me to destroy my self-esteem in the name of saving a marriage that I don't even believe in?"
The premise of this question is faulty. You can't save a marriage by destroying someone's self esteem. A healthy functional relationship requires too healthy functioning people. This therapist sounds like a quack to me too if he doesn't realize that.
"this therapist sounds like a quack"
ReplyDeleteBut don't you understand that "kosher" therapists will always try to "save the marriage", at whatever cost, even if it dumps the wive's personnality.
So go to a non-kosher Therapist, for real help.
I like this observation by C_A:
ReplyDeletePerhaps part of the difficulty is you've always had someone to point out the correct decision. At this point though, you're on your own!
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She (he?) is right: No one is coming. You are on your own. It is YOUR life. Grab the reins and use them.
10 years from now it'll be YOUR youth that was used up while you did what you were told to do. What you were supposed to do.
You will never get your 20s back again. Ever.
And this time you've spent waffling will simply be a waste of your life and time and energy and youth.
There are 6 billion ways to live a life. Go live your own life. Your parents can't live it for you. Your unloved husband can't live it for you. Your therapist can't.
Either way months and months are passing wherein you are not truly living EITHER life... your potentially free single one or your current married one. You are only half living.
Make a decision. It'll be utterly freeing.
Please listen to your own instincts. You are not being fair to yourself OR to your husband by staying in a marriage that you so badly want to get out of. Divorce is not the end of your life. Free yourself, free your husband. You will both probably be happier with different spouses.
ReplyDeleteLots of luck to you.
Question: Do YOU think you'll be happier with a different spouse? Based on what? (Seems like your husband has the bigger chance to gain from a divorce.)
ReplyDeleteI posit that you'll be just as "lost" - only in another situation you'll be in then. Based only on what you've opened up about yourself on this blog, of course.
anonymous, if she remarries right away you are right, she will probably be just as unhappy. But a few years of personal growth down the road, there's no reason why she shouldn't be able to have a good marriage eventually (though no one can guarantee that she will find someone...)
ReplyDeleteIf her husband is willing to try it/endure it - why not "grow" within this marriage?
ReplyDeleteI actually think it will boost her self-esteem if she is able to try to overcome this hump, and may hurt her if she gives up.
But it HAS to "click" in her brain. Until it doesn't - no amount of self-flagellation, therapy, or whatnot - will "help" her.
BI - you must decide to HELP YOURSELF.
You must make your own decision - truly, honestly ask yourself if the your husband is the source of your miserableness (if that's a word!) or is it yourself.
Because if it is mostly your mood/perception/issues - then you'll simply find yourself in the same situation - with ANY committed relationship.
Have you considered reading "The Committed Marriage" by Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis?
ReplyDeleteA book well worth reading, and perhaps might provide some direction/insight...
Why not ask your husband for a get for a few months and you will see if you want to get married again. As long as he is not a cohen, or you do not get married in the interim this should not be a problem.
ReplyDeleteNo, a get is not a temporary separation period. I think there's a difference. A get has the implications of finalitly to it.
ReplyDelete