We're back to the whole theory vs. reality problem.
From the beginning, he was perfect. Perfect on paper, a perfect gentleman, perfect midos, just perfect. I remember using that description, crying, while debating whether to get engaged. I was still saying, "But he's perfect!", still crying, throughout the engagement. I knew, of course, that nothing is ever perfect, and of course, he wasn't, but I could see the imperfections, and they all seemed manageable, so that, too, was perfect.
Now he's still perfect: he's the one who's perfect, and I'm the one who's flawed. It's been agreed by enough people: I have the emotional problems that are serious; his emotional problems are not standing in the way of a healthy relationship. (Why is that, do you think? Because I'm lashing out and he's holding it in? Is denial healthier than misery?) He's the one willing to do anything; I'm the one who's not trying hard enough. He's even holding on beyond his end-of-the-rope because he's worried what divorce would do to me - how it would be harder on me than on him to be twenty-something and divorced. And he's right - that's two strikes for a girl, versus one for a boy. He's so sensitive, it's unbelievable. How can anyone be worthy of such perfection? How can anyone live with it?
At least he's finally denying his perfection; he used to take it as his due when I said "Okay, you're perfect, you're better than I am." Now he's showing some sign of realizing that it was generally sarcastic when I said things like that.
My problem is that this is the biggest thing in my life: what I do next in my marriage will impact the rest of my life. I want to do the right thing, or at least the best thing. If this is going to continue, I need a reason more than the ones that have been keeping me going for the last many months. If this is going to end, I need closure, and that means being able to convince myself that all that theory isn't true. As long as I think that it can and should work out the way the whole world assumes that it is working, I won't be able to find that closure.
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i notice this post seems to contradict a previous post about the therapist. there, you said that you were the one being asked to make all the sacrifices, not him.
ReplyDeletewhich one is it?
ki"s
PS according to feminist therapist and author Harriet Lerner, women often do men's "feeling" work for them (similar to housekeeping...), and thus end up feeling for two, while the men seem to have it all together.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if this is applicable to your situation or not, but i have found it applicable in my life on occasion.
It's not going to "end". It can get better, it could get worse. It's a journey, it's real life, there are no endings, fairytale or otherwise.
ReplyDeleteGood luck
BI - as usual - I ditto what C_A wrote.
ReplyDeleteIF you can remember that "real life" is a journey - NOT a DESTINATION (ah, have arrived!) but "today was a pretty good day"... (and tomorrow will be even better!) I think you'll be on the "other side" (happy/comfortable...)fairly soon.
Give it time. Give yourself a pat on the back for working on yourself so much. AND please, give your husband a pat too - for coming along on this journey with you... even though it's not all that comfortable for him either... YET.
As you say - he's obviously not perfect - NO ONE is... but you sure are one lucky gal to have such a gentleman... at least holding out, if not being allowed to "hold you" during these hard times for you (as a couple).
That itself should be endearing to you. (He deserves at least a genuine, warm kiss for that -don't you think?) As for the rest of it... G-d willing it will come. The journey may be a bit bumpier than you anticipated - but if you keep the faith and positivity - in your marriage, it will NO DOUBT get better.
Don't know if that helps to know - but many couples have started out... with a rocky year or two - and yet the relationship blossomed to something strong and beautiful.
Hatzlacha!!
AnonyMs
With all due respect, whats your point?
ReplyDeleteit is concerning that you are beginning to place all the blame on yourself, not giving credit to your feelings, deeming them "problems". People force women to feel this way all the time, and it is not right. You are not overemotional, the one with the problems, or wrong. Allow yourself to feel the way you do. That is the nest encouragement anyone can give you. I do no understand what is at stake for some of the people who comment on this blog. They are clearly advising you to go against your intuition.
ReplyDeleteThere are so many creepy frum guys out there... Consider yourself blessed and just take life one day at a time. i didn't, and actually lost my marriage, job, self-respect and even freedom. I learned my lesson the hard way!
ReplyDeleteBest of 'Luck'!
how did you lose all the above? how did losing your marriage cause you to lose your job? freedom? are you incarcerated?
ReplyDelete"He's even holding on beyond his end-of-the-rope because he's worried what divorce would do to me"
ReplyDeleteI'm sure he believes that, but I don't. not for a second.
To continue Kisarita's words:
ReplyDeleteBelieve me, when you are divorced - its each man for himself - and you have no idea how much so!
>how did you lose all the above? how did losing your marriage cause you to lose your job? freedom? are you incarcerated?<
ReplyDeleteA nervous breakdown and deep depression that lasted for over a year. My new wife, whom i loved so much got up and left. It took years for me to get back on my feet again!
wow. that's a painful story. Glad you got back on your feet, and hope you find love again.
ReplyDeleteThanx for the good wishes. Do you know what was even more painful? That almost all the frum people I knew turned their backs on me and the 2 Goyim I knew didn't.
ReplyDeleteAnd Thank G-d I have a new family now and a satisfying job with great security!
ReplyDeleteDid you survive Pesach?
ReplyDelete