Mid-20's kollel wife, overworked, underpaid, performs well under stress, seeking well-proportioned caffeinated beverage for long-term relationship.
When I read about the frum-seeking-frum ads on Craig's List and the like, I am sickened. Cheating is simply not a good option. Maybe it's mutar for a man, m'ikar hadin, but it's (a) illegal and (b) morally wrong. And for women, it's a clear issur - issur karais! And yet, people feel justified in doing something like that, because they feel they need to.
I was reading a website run by a traditional Indian group, where arranged marriages are common. They discussed the differences between a physical affair and an emotional affair. Is one worse than the other? Is either permissible?
We all know that physical affairs are definitely assur. Now, how about emotional affairs? Is it okay if there are male friends with whom I feel more comfortable than with my husband? Is it okay if we discuss personal matters, if we laugh together, if we talk about our lives and families? Or is that a violation of a law?
The Indian website was of the opinion that emotional affairs are even worse than physical ones, because an emotional affair betrays the very fabric of the relationship. My question is - what relationship? Is there a relationship just because two people live together? Just because they stood together under a chupah? Just because they got a marriage license? That doesn't build a relationship; those things only create a framework for a relationship.
Why is it so much easier to build a relationship with someone when there are no strings attached? One would think that commitment would help make a relationship stronger: aren't our strongest relationships those with our family, who we can't divorce or discard? You can't run away from family, and thus, the saying goes, blood is thicker than water. Wouldn't that imply that commitment is proportional to the strength of the tie? So marriage should make a relationship stronger and easier. Divorce is hard; divorce is wrong; divorce is a last resort. And yet I find it so much easier to make friends with other people than with my husband. Somehow I resist his advances, even unconsciously. Is it fear of commitment? But I'm already committed! At least in the eyes of the world and the law, and that's plenty. So I end up thinking that the reason we can't make that "click" happen is because we're not suited - and yet, again, when he's not around, I can convince myself of just how well we are suited.
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Get a lesbian lover it is mutar.
ReplyDeleteCheating is "mutar for men"?!
ReplyDeleteAnonymous: First of all, not EVERYONE is homosexual! Secondly, the Talmud (obviously) forbids all forms of homosexual activity (or rather "the Talmud explains the Torah as forbidding").
You sound very emotionaly "weird" by the way.. you've seriously gotta' find a way to forge some sort of relationship with your actual husbad. ..if you can't, then why the hell did you marry him?!
It is not what you believe will happen, it is what you expect.
ReplyDeletePeople that have low expectations tend to be happier, they realize that happiness is not something you can buy in a store or that a psychologist can give you; its perspective.
I try and study which gives me pleasure and I feel satiated, coupled with some instant gratification, and I think life is okay, manageable. That is all I ask.
I don’t have visions of everlasting love with my future wife; my vision is one of simplicity.
I loved fiddler on the roof, when Tevye asks his wife after 20 years if she loves him. That is the point, we expect so much of our spouses and so much out of life, and we never bother to stop and gain perspective, realize that it’s all in our heads.
Hamlet asked “to be or not to be”, I say try and be,minimize the pain and expect little.
Oh yes, and another thing: you definitely haven't been alone enough. ..I mean "alone" alone. Works wonders for people- honest! ..I mean, it might be a little too late for that in your situation, but perhaps you should have tried that in the past... ..just saying..
ReplyDeleteI have no idea what to advise you, but I sympathize with you.
ReplyDeleteAnd I don't think it's helpful to say she "sounds emotionally weird." I mean, she was raised frum. Do I know someone who was raised frum who's not a bit off their rocker? No.
Also, I think we're blaming the victim. The writer comes from a very repressive society, where the male authority figures make all the decisions. If someone like her goes along and listens to what she's told to do and it doesn't work out, it's salt on her wounds to tell her she somehow flubbed it all up. She didn't. Those evil rabbis did.
But that's just the common frum reaction to any criticism to their world. They get extremely defensive, and lash out at victims. The last thing most of them want to do is take a long, hard look at their world, so if all the critics went away, they'd be a hell of a lot happier.
RP: I see you subscribe to the "pessimists are rarely disappointed" point of view. So do I, but on smaller things than marriage and the rest of my life. I still have high hopes for my life. I hope you manage to hold onto your convictions if you settle for a mediocre relationship with your wife. And you probably want to be upfront about it, so her expectations aren't too high.
ReplyDeleteOTD: Thank you for your kind defense. Strangely enough, I agree with you, even though you think I'm off my rocker. :) It's attitudes like Young Shlomo's that have made me lose confidence in the "experts".
Don't worry. I was raised frum too, lo aleinu.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I mean, I never said it wasn't her social environment that may have caused most of her "pathological emotions", but seriously, I doubt if the most "odd" of yeshiva people experience "oddities" such as these too often.
ReplyDelete...then again, I don't know if "experts" are the answer either. In this situation I'd only say "go where your heart takes you".
How do you know what is mediocre and what is not? You were raised frum and it is your first relationship. You might think your parents have a perfect relationship, but they might not - how do you know? What's your standard? What are you comparing to?
ReplyDeleteI think that the reason why you have a better chemistry with people you are not attached to than with youe husband for one simple reason. You don't live with those people. As soon as you start to tire each other you part to meet again later on. And as for the husband, you can't take a break from him. He's always around when you come home from work, you are forced to see him in various moods and conditions. It's not fair to compare him to other people.
I really sympoathise with you, but this is how it appears to me. You were raised in a respectable family and you were doing everything right, and you were picking your chosson carefully and finally made a choice, but surprise! your relationship is not what you expected it to be!!! Seems like you want a better value for your money right? If it's like that, you are better return your husband to the store and go on shopping. If not, try to makje conscious efforts to spice up your life. MAybe move out of lakewood - you don't have kids to raise ina frum community, anyway.