I realize that I'm currently posting this on the internet, where the general populace can read all the sordid details of my misery. Still, in real life, where people can see my face and know my name, I don't tell that many people about what's going on in my marriage. At least, I don't think I do. But while I'm a pretty good actress, and most people seem to think I'm very happily married and we're such a cute, well-suited couple (which may be objectively true; I hope it is), there are times when I let my guard down. More and more, recently. I can't do this without help anymore, and the only way to get help is to ask for it. Or at least to make it clear that you are open to it.
I started my advice-seeking in the right place: I started with my rabbi. At the same time, I consulted my kallah teacher, whose husband happens to be a rabbi as well. I asked for eitzos about marriage, and I asked my shailos about birth control. I had my share of panic, and I handled it the way a good BY girl should. I truly believe that I did everything I was supposed to do. My rabbi told me to get counseling, which I was planning to do anyway, and that started me on a round of therapists, with sessions both alone and with my husband. I maintained periodic contact with my rabbi during the long months of therapy.
After many months and many thousands of dollars, I've sort of grown frustrated with the mandated methods of advice-seeking. I'm trying conventional, but less recommended, ways of dealing with my feelings: writing in my journal, blogging, talking to trusted friends and family. (I know, they say NEVER talk about these things with your parents because they'll never forget and then if things work out, your parents forever have a bad impression of your spouse, but sometimes you have to deal with the now and let the future stay in the future. Working out is still an if.) What I've discovered, not particularly shockingly, is that I'm not the only frum girl who had a rocky start to her marriage. Sometimes it gets better; people deal with things differently. What's scary is that most of the people for whom it has gotten better had rocky beginnings that lasted years. Like six or seven or eight years. That's a pretty long time to be miserable. It means there might be a light at the end of the tunnel, but it's a very long tunnel. And that light also might not be there; the twists and turns of the tunnel make it impossible to see what's at the end. Even light can't bend that many times. And while I am willing to keep trying (although I'm not sure I'll last that number of years at this level of despair), I don't want to ever be a divorcee with kids. Can I really postpone having children until I'm sure of my happiness in my marriage? It's not fair, not to myself, my husband, or any future children. (I'm not sure how I feel about children, but that's a subject for another day.)
Anyhow, non-expert advice is sometimes more helpful than expert advice, particularly when you're more interested in empathy than solutions. Solutions are rational; empathy is emotional. My problems right now are all emotional; I have rational very well covered. I still hate spontaneous crying in other people's living rooms, but sometimes it's worthwhile.
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You know what I don't get? I don't get what you expect from the blogosphere. I do get that the rest of humanity has failed you. All right. I have two pieces of advice, neither of which is very nice, but they might be true.
ReplyDeleteA: you ever heard of sheffele.blogspot.com? There is a girl in a much worse situation than hopefully anyone will ever be. Count your blessings.
B: you were put in your situation for a reason. G-d wants you there. I don't know why specifically, but I do know why in general. In lubavitch we'd say that the mission is la'asos lo yisbarech dirah b'tachtonim. To make G-d a dwelling place down here. And how is that accomplished? Through hard work. Through not thinking about yourself so much, and thinking about other people, and more importantly, G-d. I'm not naive enough to think that Lubavitch has all the answers to all the questions, but it seems like you've exhausted every other avenue...have you ever heard of beis chana or mania Friedman? His daughter lives in manalapan, she could hook you up. The man is amazing. Maybe he could help you? Anyways, it can't hurt to give it a try, right?
C: my point wasn't to evangelize. It was to point out that you have a job, that only you can do, and G-d wants you to do it. And you should feel happy that he thinks you can do it.
I don't think it helps to tell you that another blogger is in a worse position. Your problems are legitimate ones even if they're not as bad as someone else's.
ReplyDeleteOn the same token, getting advice from commenters who don't know the details of your situation is a problem because they can only speak in generalities that might or might not help, and might only tell you things that you probably already know. So I think you should be realistic about your expectations from the advice people can give you on the blog.
The question I have (and that you might not want to answer on the blog) is whether you and your husband are just incompatible at this point, or if you think he has a real psychological problem. Not suggesting he does, because I don't know him, but sometimes going to all the right yeshivos doesn't do wonders for someone's development and continuing in Lakewood doesn't force someone to confront the patterns he developed in yeshiva.
If there's a psychological problem, and you can identify what it is, there are sites on the web that can help you understand it and deal with it.
In terms of getting advice from others, keep in mind that some of the advice givers have their own agendas.
Shliach - What do I expect from the blogosphere? A listening ear, maybe a little empathy. I'm not here for solutions; I'm here to think out loud. And if I manage to find some inspiration or direction from someone else who has been through something similar, that will be icing on the cake.
ReplyDeleteI do appreciate your feedback, but I hope you realize that "count your blessings" is very rarely helpful advice. Of course I realize that my life is not a tragedy, and that there are people out there with far worse problems. And as much as I care about them, I'm still living my life and dealing with my problems. I'm not trying to blow them out of proportion; I'm just trying to deal with them. Knowing that other people are worse off doesn't make me happier.
Your second point is quite right, although it's also not particularly helpful to a person in pain. Yes, I'm frum, and yes, I believe that there's a reason for this. But I don't know what it is. Maybe it's so that I'll be a divorcee and therefore willing to consider my true bashert, who wouldn't have been palatable prior to this. Who knows? Or maybe it's to teach me commitment. Again, who knows? So saying there's a reason isn't helpful; I believe there's a reason, but there's no way to know the correct next step without knowing what that reason is.
Besides, I'll admit my emunah is a bit shaky right now. I feel hurt and betrayed - for myself as well as my husband. How is it that two good people doing the right things for the right reasons could have ended up in such a painful situation? Does Hashem really want this for me? What did I do to deserve this? It's hard to turn to G-d for answers when you're also saying that He caused the situation that creates the questions. If you can't see the why in the situation, how will you see the answers to any additional questions?
I just reread this post. I didn't realize that it might look like it was a solicitation for advice. I just meant to say that I was now going to non-experts for advice, and explaining why. They are specific non-experts, however: people who know me and who I have reason to believe will have something useful to say.
ReplyDeleteBilingual,
ReplyDeleteIt is empathy you want?
Everyone has a hard life; most people don’t find love, happiness, or whatever they are looking for. It is a depressing world, a lonely world, and a sad world.
Either you can get a divorce or tell yourself that everyone is like you. Spice of the sex as best as possible and live life; take an optimistic approach.
If you are looking for shortcuts or for a magic pill I don’t think you will find it.
Life is life, and synonymous with pain, virtue, and the realization that we all suffer; everyone.
Read Anna Karenina by Tolstoy. Go do things that give you instant gratification, and try to be fulfilled in your life.
Wow. My heart goes out to you. I'm not sure anyone out here can say the words that you might be hoping to hear.
ReplyDeleteYou have to say them to yourself. Words like: "Stay in your marriage and make the best of it." or "Leave him now. It'll never get any better" or "This isn't what I fantasized about but it isn't horrible so I'll ride it out and see."
All I can offer you is this: "Don't confuse yourself with the vision of your entire lifetime all at once." Just deal with Right Now.
Right now: are you fed? sheltered? clothed?
If so your physicial comfort is ok.
Next up your mind. Can you think straight? Rationally? Know the date? Where you are?
If so your rational mind if working ok.
(This sounds so trite but the reality is we take SO MUCH for granted that it is hard to remember what is the result of good fortune and what of good effort. Starting with the basics is a good way to rebuild our outlook.)
Next up your heart: Decide if your emotional unease is self-caused or other. Are YOU enumerating the things that make you unhappy over and over again? Try thinking of some positive things instead. If someone ELSE is doing that to you remove yourself from their influence.
Lastly, and this is most important: Set a goal for yourself. Decide for example to give the situation another 5 months. In those 5 months WHOLEHEARTEDLY devote yourself to making the very very best of it you can. At the end of those 5 months, reassess. Either decide, consciously, to continue on or decide to cut your losses.
As someone who would never have asked for a divorce, I can totally empathize with your predicament. As someone who was asked for a divorce, I was happy he took the decision out of my hands. I was stymied. I'm delighted to be free. Been divorced for 5 years. Was married for 5.5. I LOVE living alone. However I have many friends who can't stand being alone and got married again right away. Sometimes the 2nd one worked out, sometimes not. Marriage wasn't for me. Neither were kids. I'm satisfied with my decision. I had to have been married to be satisfied without it though. I would always have wondered.
The grass ain't greener though. There are drawbacks to everything you do. You will NEVER be continuously happy no matter who is in your life. The question is "what is enough for you?" and only you can answer that. A therapist can't, your spouse can't, your parents can't.
Best wishes to you.
Bilingual: you want empathy? You have it. I mean, what can I say? I'm just a 22 year old pisher, old enough to know that I don't know anything. I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteRP: Wow. Ouch. I'm sorry that you've given up hope of being happy. I still like to believe that it's possible to be happy. After all, I once was, at least to a degree. You're right that life is full of pain, but I like to hope that all the effort is worthwhile. Not for instant gratification, but for true fulfillment.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous: Thank you for sharing your story. It's good to hear. I sometimes wish he would just give up and then the decision would be out of my hands. But I don't think he will. It's all on me.
Shliach: Thank you. Sorry to harp on semantics, but what you can give is *sympathy*, which is nice. Empathy is from someone who has the same feelings or situation, and therefore can identify with the issue. But thanks for your sympathy. Sometimes it's just nice to have someone to listen.
Takeh. Btw, if you got rid of word verification then my life would be a lot easier.
ReplyDeleteHave you taken a look at Hasidic Feminist's blog?
ReplyDeleteIf you're willing to go outside the Jewish blogs, you might do a search for the relationship forums on some of the secular women's sites, like IVillage. But realize that some of what's discussed on those forums would make your BY teachers' hair stand on end.
Shliach: I'll think about that. I can't stand spam, so I kind of think WV is a good thing.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous: Yup. Some very interesting thoughts there. And actually, I started with Google searches before heading into the frum blogging world. Although I found some very interesting ideas and food for thought, it's just not as helpful as thinking in a forum where people understand the framework that created the situation.
Stam-I've been blogging for a year and a half now and I've never had any problems with spam. See, my internet is off an iPod, and WV is a real pain.
ReplyDelete"I started my advice-seeking in the right place: I started with my rabbi. At the same time, I consulted my kallah teacher". Right place? I would think that one criteria for the right place should be "helpful". Anyway.
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog. Will post a link on mine. But may I say, your belief in "Hashem" shouldn't be a personal reciprocation: I have a good life = I believe. Life sucks = I don't believe. Although that may be an instigator to think, question, and gasp, read.
Yes, those science books are fascinating, but the truth (or the lack thereof) is buried there to. I know, I was there. I am no longer.