One morning on the train, the car lights went out while the train was in a tunnel. Pitch black, right?
But no. In today's day and age, there are lots of lights in the darkness. There was a girl playing on her iPod, a guy using a laptop: small lights in the darkness. Can we see technology as a symbol of hope?
I may just need to leave Lakewood.
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I think it's fantastic that you have a job that requires this ritual.
ReplyDeleteIt's nice to hear every once in a while that one of the outwardly stereotypical, cookie cutter characters ("the single guy/girl," "the newly married BY girl," "the unmarried older guy," etc.), breaks the mold of their appearance in some way even if walking by you or them on the street, it might not be noticed right away.
Kudo's.
Regarding one of your earlier posts ideas about moving out of Lakewood so your children don't grow up in it, I completely agree. I have seen "out of town" Jews in several communities and the quality of them usually surpasses the Tri-state area ones. In a non-significant amount of examples, I've seen that the fewer Jews and Jewish presence, the greater the quality of them. Just the thoughts of one person, but keep them in mind or perhaps, find out for yourself.
Bilingual -- I just came across your blog. I'm sure you've heard this enough, but I can't help feeling the sadness. But more than anything, I want to tell you to run. Run like the wind is driving you. Run like from death. Run like you have no choice but to run. It won't get better. It will get worse. I know this sounds extreme, and people might gasp in horror at such advice. But trust me, I've been there. And I ran. And I never looked back. What's more, I ran leaving more behind (a long marriage and a brood of kids). It's what happens when you just can't take it anymore.
ReplyDeleteBut leaving doesn't mean you have to leave frumkeit -- by any means (though, it does seem like you have some ambivalence in that area -- leaving will help you explore and work out any unresolved issues). But it's certainly possible to embrace whatever lifestyle you do think will be fulfilling, and actually find fulfillment and happiness. Maybe it'll be the first step on a long journey. But you can't get to your destination if you don't start.
It'll be hard. It'll be the most tormenting decision of your life. But you'll be avoiding far greater torment. And ultimately, it will be for the best for everyone involved.
Take these words and think about it, of course. Carefully, deeply, and for a considerable amount of time. Judge for yourself whether it makes sense. But I do hope you realize in the end it's the thing to do.
This is said with the utmost sincerity, and with a genuineness I can't even describe. I do wish you happiness and hatzlocha whatever you do.
Be careful not to give away too much as you can be sure there are people out there doing their best to uncover who you are, and even worse, telling your husband.
ReplyDeleteThrow out some smokescreens once in a while perhaps.
Also, since you seem kind of innoccent, beware NEVER EVER meet anyone in person through this blog. you've presented yourself as young and vulnerable and sexually uncertain. PREDATORS are slick- they'll pretend to be a therapist, or a woman who's going through the same thing as you... NEVER AGREE TO MEET ANY OF THEM IN PERSON.
ReplyDeleteHR, so you officially came out here? I agree that it doesn't get better with time, but can one live like that forever? Maybe. Who knows.
ReplyDeleteRubecube - I'm not sure what job or what ritual you're referring to, but thanks? And yeah, I like out-of-towners too.
ReplyDeleteHR - Thanks for your words and for sharing your experience. Believe me, stories like yours make me think and rethink and doublerethink. And yet, I'm still afraid to do anything too decisive until I'm more sure for myself that there's no way to hope for better.
Anonymous - Yes, of course. I'm well aware. Although most of the people I worry about are probably not web-savvy enough to find me.
Kisarita - Yes, of course. I'm not *that* innocent.
"Hasidic Rebel said...
ReplyDeleteBilingual -- I just came across your blog. I'm sure you've heard this enough, but I can't help feeling the sadness. But more than anything, I want to tell you to run. Run like the wind is driving you. Run like from death. Run like you have no choice but to run. It won't get better. It will get worse. I know this sounds extreme, and people might gasp in horror at such advice. But trust me, I've been there. And I ran. And I never looked back. What's more, I ran leaving more behind (a long marriage and a brood of kids). It's what happens when you just can't take it anymore."
HR as a formar reader of your famous blog I'm surprised at your comment, this women openly writes on this blog she is proud with her yiddishkiet so she is not into the infamous skeptic double life. She also writes her husbannd is a nice guy and she doen't think she'll find someone better. Why in the world would you suggest her to run? Run where? Why not work on making herself happy in this marriage?
HR what's wrong with you?
Annon.
ReplyDelete"She also writes her husbannd is a nice guy and she doen't think she'll find someone better. Why in the world would you suggest her to run? Run where? Why not work on making herself happy in this marriage?"
You know, sometimes "nice" doesn't cut it. You should never sell yourself short of true happiness. And that is final.