Every experience has an impact. I'm not always sure if that's a good thing.
My ultimate goal right now is to be happy. I know that doesn't sound lofty or inspiring or impressive. It's not as "important" as doing the right thing, serving Hashem, making a kiddush Hashem, bringing Jewish children into the world. But it's my goal of the moment. Happy.
I'm not being too picky right now about the specific form of happiness. Although there are a number of reasons why I would like to not be married, it would certainly be easier, and in the long run, perhaps, better, to stay married. If I can be happy in this marriage, it is certainly less complicated than any other solution. Complicated sort of defeats happy (although not always), so I'm trying to work with what I have. After all, on some level, I did choose this.
Being happy in this marriage involves not thinking very much. If I think, I realize all the things that are wrong with my relationship. If I think, I realize that I go out and shmooze for hours with neighbors about nothing at all, just so that I don't have to pretend to be in a good mood to my husband. It's easier to pretend for the neighbors.
Sometimes I think I'm just not cut out for marriage, and that I would be equally unhappy in any marriage. I compare my husband to most of the other guys I know, married and unmarried, and I can't picture myself happier with any of them. But if I think harder, I remember that there are one or two guys whose company I do enjoy, and really, that would be enough to make me happier in a marriage. All the other stuff, I can do. The cooking and cleaning and housekeeping - I have that under control. Sex? Well, maybe if I enjoyed being with him, I would be more into making him feel good the way he wants to feel good. I don't need the sex, but if I enjoyed the conversation and the company, I'd want to give him his. Of course, the one guy who I've met recently who meets that description is related to my husband and younger than both of us. I can't even say that if he had been reht to me before my husband, I would have been better off, because I don't think it would ever have happened. The age difference probably would have nixed it. Also, he is missing some of my key "checklist" no-compromise items. So much for the checklist. The checklist matches good evolutionary characteristics, but it doesn't measure compatibility or friendship. I know, I know, you're supposed to be able to do that for yourself by dating. But I've been uptight all my life, and I guess I had trouble distinguishing between propriety and incompatibility.
If I don't think too much, though, I can settle into complacency. I convince myself that I can keep this up, so why rock the boat? I think - I'll move, have kids, build a family, find fulfillment through other outlets than my husband. I'll get along with my husband cordially, just like I do now. Life won't be perfect, but I can deal with it. I'll be okay. Does anyone have a perfect life?
But then I come here and I read about people who are happy. I'm not only talking about frum blogs; I'm talking about everyone. There are lots of people who do manage to find a person they love and who make the commitment to marriage not because they should, not because society expects them to, not because the family unit is the only acceptable household style, but because they have found a person about whom they can say, "Home is a person, not a place." They have found a person to whom they want to commit. I got married to be married; they get married to be with each other in a formal, committed relationship. And they're happy, and I'm not. Why didn't I hold a little tighter to my Western education and hold out for happiness? Or, if I really am not cut out for marriage, why couldn't I be strong enough to be happy in singlehood? I also read about happy singles and divorcees. Of course, I also read about miserable singles and divorcees. So of course, I am led to wonder whether happiness is at all related to one's situation in life, or if it's just a character trait. Some people will be happy no matter what, and some won't be, no matter what. And if I'm one of the latter, why even bother trying to be happy?
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Hi,
ReplyDeleteI have been reading a few of you blogs.
1 Thanks for the phrase - Home is a person , not a place
2 check out the writings of Byron Katie , also her website , she could be of a help.
3 I think that educating yourself about your own sexuality , being able to give yourself pleasure will help you to able to receive pleasure. Maybe if I am reading you rightly , your fear of becoming pregnant deems to be interfering here as well ( maybe take some steps in this direction ). You could also have a medical condition that causes you pain when you have relations. check out women forums such as ivillage
4 Being happy means also being able to make yourself happy being absorbed not with yourself but by finding what you do intrinsically rewarding and stimulating.
5 Are there times , such as going away together for a few days , being on holiday and relaxed that you can enjoy being together ?
6 The way you feel is I am sure pushing your dear husband further from you , maybe you have tried to act in a way where he will want to be more with you , be more responsive to you and it does not work , if so you need to make a decision - get divorced or stop having a pity party and make the best of what you have. If you leave now , you are young without children and a life ahead of you . This is your chance.
Ak
Take your stuff and run before you get pregnant.
ReplyDeleteI agree with shoshi 100%
ReplyDeleteAk - Thanks for the advice.
ReplyDeleteShoshi and Anonymous - There are ways not to get pregnant. Leaving pregnancy out of it, then, would you think differently, hope for something to improve?
I would listen to the shiurim on the Aish website about marriage - http://www.aish.com/family/marriage/default.asp - especially those given by Bonnie Mansour. You seem to do a lot of comparing yourself and your relationship to others. That is a recipe for disaster. Everyone's situation is different.
ReplyDeleteI think being happy is overrated. Better you should just try to avoid doing things that make you unhappy.
ReplyDelete"Sex? Well, maybe if I enjoyed being with him, I would be more into making him feel good the way he wants to feel good. I don't need the sex, but if I enjoyed the conversation and the company, I'd want to give him his."
ReplyDeletegirl, that's a recipe for the same mess you're in now. you would stop liking him soon enough if you become his sexual servant.
but maybe, just maybe, after a long time and a lot of patience, (and a bit of romance) if you enjoyed the conversation and the company etc, you'd want to get yours.
Hi,
ReplyDelete1 The art of conversation is in the listening , being able to validate feelings, reflect back etc and of course being interesting. Marrianne Faithful , I think said that she used to research everyday the newspapers, aricles etc for interesting stuff to share with her with her husband
2 there is plenty of Torah orientated material - check iawaken.org for something different to share
3 a book recommened to the general public for intimacy issues - erotic intelligence
4 What ever you decide you like all of us take our issues with us , so look to see how you can change which will allow you to collaborate with your dh
AK
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ReplyDeleteWow, what a blog. This is the first REALLY Jewish blog that I filed in a separate category. More anthropology than anything else.
ReplyDeleteAnyhow, really interesting but I do want to make one very important point. I myself was not shomer this past shabbat nor a couple of hundred prior to that and I don't plan to be shomer the next one but I do not agree with the basic premise of most people who have made similar choices that "the system" is horrific and full of blatant problems that require a loud and passionate revolution.
There's no question that the shidduch system has turned out abysmally bad for many people but there's similarly no question that the shidduch system has turned out fantastic for a great many others - AND that the "non-shidduch system" has worked out abysmally for a great many people as well.
The same can be said for most other aspects of modern frum culture as well as for most aspects of modern secular culture. (And there really IS just one major "modern secular culture". All of the funny little "variants" are just different manifestations of the same values belief's regarding identity.) AND the same can be said for most aspects of almost EVERY culture that has managed to produce a multi-generational community for at least a hundred years.
My point, again, is simply that there is no great secret regarding some grand lie hiding in plain site regarding the frum social world that, were it only exposed, everyone would be Happy! and Free! and Wholesome! for Ever and Ever!
Not that this is what you, Bilingual, have been claiming - it's an error that I want to shield you from as soon as the Formerly Frum hordes discover you in droves and attempt to turn you into a cause celebre.
Awright, cheers baby doll and I'll just echo what all of the other frum and formerly frum guys here are thinking inside their heads. Sleep with ME, pretty Bais Yaakov girl! Sleep with ME and I promise you'll LOVE it! :-)
(Oh, you definitely would, but what I'm mocking here is people's tendency to get all nervous and twitchy and interested in further exploration of this "sex issue" with you when it's obvious that it's quite and Quite tangential to your interests and that while THEY may be all hot and bothered to "get right in there" exploring the subject of "your sexuality" [that's what they'd call it], you aren't and needn't be.)
I've only read a few of your posts so far, so maybe my suggestions are off. I grew up MO but am not today dati, I'm 45 years old.... well I could give more on my background but it's not neccessary.
ReplyDelete1. I'm just guessing that if your husband worked for a living rather than you supporting him, you might feel a lot better about him. Nobody has mentioned that in any of the posts that I've read so far. Has that come up in any of the counselling.
2. I think I understand why you don't enjoy sex or find it painful in your situation. This certainly doesn't mean that you'd always not like it with someone you like/love more and/or who is more experienced and skilled. Even when my wife is turned on and we have plenty of foreplay it still hurts her a bit when I initially penetrate her. At first I have to go very slowly and gently until she loosens up and begins to enjoy it. But probably instead you are tensing up from your description. There's nothing wrong with you except wrong person and maybe lack of good technique/experience on both sides...