Theories are a little bit like dreams.
There are a lot of things that I can convince myself of in theory.
In theory, I could fall in love with my husband: he has all the qualifications of a guy that I should want to spend my life with. He has a sense of humor. He has a strong sense of values. They might not match mine 100% exactly, but the basics are close enough. Everyone tells me he's good-looking, although he doesn't exactly match my taste. But I know that my taste in men is not exactly normal. I'm not into tall and broad (which he is), or dark and broody (which he is). Although big hands are definitely manly, on the whole, I prefer slight and blonde. Also, I have a crazy thing about teeth and nails. What can I say; I'm weird like that. But being as I can think of tall, broad, dark movie stars that I think are good-looking, I'm convinced that if I could just manage to formulate the emotional attachment, the physical attraction would work itself out. All the books say that women base attraction on emotions, not on looks. I'm willing to believe that.
I can convince myself that I like him, as long as he's not around. When he's around, suddenly I'm annoyed. I don't know why I get annoyed so often, and I don't know how to stop it. But in theory, everything's wonderful: it's only real life spending time together that I can't stand.
In theory, I could learn to enjoy sex. I am a very passionate person, and I'm not ashamed of my body. I don't really understand the the male fascination with women's bodies, but then again, I'm not male. And I'm human enough to enjoy feeling good. Of course, right now it doesn't feel good, but that's a Catch-22. I can't relax because I know it's going to hurt, and thus it hurts more because I'm not relaxed.
Sometimes I manage to convince myself and relax my body. Sometimes I get myself in the mood enough to play along or even act appropriately. And I'm studying. I'm shocking my inner BY girl with the things I'm reading. I just bought a book that I can't even admit to myself I would buy. And yes, I'm planning to read it. Believe it or not, in the name of science. Sometimes information helps.
In theory, I have no issues with Lakewood. Even though it's in the middle of nowhere, the roads are icy and the legality of my apartment is questionable, food is reasonably cheap, it's a pretty town in the spring, and tuition (if/when that ever becomes applicable) is reasonable compared to other places. The people whom I've met are nice, and my rent is affordable. Lots of reasons to live there.
Notwithstanding the tuition savings, I don't think I could raise kids in Lakewood. I need a more open-minded neighborhood, because I want my kids to be "normal", whatever that means. But even before kids, I can't stay too long in Lakewood because I need my husband to be surrounded by people who won't force him to conform to Lakewood values. It's not how he was raised, but it is the educational system he went through. A decent setting might help deal with some of the value conflicts that we've had post-marriage. (There are never value conflicts pre-marriage; we're all too busy impressing each other with how wonderful we are while still being normal.)
In conclusion, theory is good. But it doesn't seem to transfer all that well to reality. As a scientist, I'm wondering how long I can go on ignoring the experimental results and hanging on to the clearly failing hypothesis.
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In theory, a lot of things should work...
ReplyDelete'Blogging is cheaper then therapy.' - Amen to that lol
Wow, First blog in a long time that hit the spot. Deep and genuine. Speaking the truth even when it kicks you in the ass. I feel like i am watching Bleak House and reading Anna Karenina all over again.
ReplyDeleteAmen.
Not that I know anything, but I think you need marriage counseling. As you correctly point out, it's expensive, but it's definitely worth it. Having a bunch of bloggers try to help you is futile. You need professional help from someone who is experienced. You don't even necessarily need to go to a therapist-even a trusted Rabbi can help.
ReplyDeleteWelcome to the blogosphere.
ReplyDeleteYou owe it to yourself to find happiness. And anyway, in the long run, I think you're doing your husband a disservice by pretending. Think about it - he wants to be with someone who truly loves him, and as it stand now, you're not feeling that, so he isn't getting what he wants (and deserves). Plus, if he really loves you wouldn't he want you to be happy?
No relationship can flourish without honest and open communication.
I really hope you find what it is you're seeking. Don't stop looking wherever your search may take you.
Just talk to your husband, especially about sex. And look what you have just written - your husband doesnt need to be in Lakewood, you don't want to be in LAkewood. So why not live elsewhere? mmaybe you just need to really talk about how you are feeling and what you can do about it. I bet you will make it so much easier for him if you tell him what makes you happy.
ReplyDeleteWelcome to the blogosphere.
ReplyDeleteThe male fascination with the woman's body has an evolutionary purpose
I'm not an expert but from what I've read sometimes sex can hurt because circumcised males sometimes have to thrust hard to get release. Apparently the nerve damage from the circumcision makes it so that the only way they can release is by stimulation to the top as opposed to stimulation of the shaft and top, which would be easier for the woman. I don't know what the solution is, but knowing this might help you.
I assume you have used some lubricant like KY (pick it up in any drugstore). If not, try it. A little bit can go a long way. My chosson class teacher suggested it, though don't know if my wife's kallah teacher did.
ReplyDeleteHaving a yeshiva background, I can see why your husband may be initially hesitant to talk about this stuff. Maybe what may help is for you and your husband to go on some dates. Now that the weather is getting warmer, some time in the park would be a great place to relax and enjoy talking with each other. I know that helps build relationships and may help the two of you communicate better, eventually enabling you to talk about anything and everything.
Thanks for the warm welcome, everyone. Feedback is, well, exactly what I'm here for.
ReplyDeletePlease realize, though, that I'm not starting here. I'm not even really here for advice, although if I learn anything from someone else's experiences, that would be wonderful. I tried marriage counseling, as well as individual counseling. I've seen more than one therapist, changing when I stopped seeing progress with the one. Months of counseling. We were both committed to doing whatever it took to make things work. We had - and have - excellent communication. We've talked about everything - annoying habits, sex, communication, love, you name it.
We've tried rabbonim, as well; again, individually as well as jointly. Frankly, my faith in my rabbonim is severely degraded: I've taken their advice too many times and been burned. I don't feel like they're talking to *me*; I feel like they're just talking.
I'm hoping that hear, people will hear me and talk to me. Maybe somehow I will get some clarity, from the nonexperts. The experts don't seem to be all that expert.
You're right about the rabbis -- so many seem to be damned fools!
ReplyDeletebtw, your comments re your husband's physical characteristics seem petty -- afterall you married him. My wife is the opposite of what I had in mind, but such is life.
you can not force yourself to like sex, same as you can not force yourself to love your husband.
ReplyDeleteyour pussy is spiritually connected to your throat, if your throat is not singing, your pussy won't either. and vice versa.
ignore the technical suggestions, like KY, for what doesn't seem to be a technical problem. and as i said, to thine own self be true.
And in the meantime, for god's sake, STOP FUCKING. If you don't like it, don't do it. Let your husband do it outside (on you, if need be) for a couple of months and then revisit the situation.
ReplyDeletePressuring yourself is counterproductive. So forget about the books and just respect yourself and your vagina. If you don't, no one else will.
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